Is the third time a charm?

Is the third time a charm?

Q

Dear Dr. Darcy:

I dated my ex for almost 2 yrs. We broke up summer 2017. He up and left one day and blamed it on dealing with a family death and, "this is how I always act when something like this happens."

We remained friendly and friends-with-benefits for a good 8-months. Then he got a new job and did not need me anymore, I guess. Three months after no contact he contacted me and told me he made a huge mistake. Told me everything I wanted to hear. I was a bitch to him the first few months because I was scared he’d leave again. I wanted to embrace him but did not. He told me he changed and was not going to quit anymore, [so we got back together]. Then, he quit. I am now back in the friend zone again because he’s stressed with his father’s illness and his career.

He is the love of my life. Do I stay friends in hopes we can work out things once and for all?

Click below to read my answer!

Read More

I Didn't Get In: Weathering Rejection

It was, after all, Friday the 13th.  Any reasonable person would have recognized the implications of receiving an email from a recently applied to graduate program entitled, Your Decision is Available Online Now, and the timing of said email. But I pride myself on not buying into silly superstitions. In the moments leading up to logging into my application account, I’d gone so far as to reason that it absolutely must be good news because, according to the graduate program’s website, only the people on the short-list would hear by March 15th.  It had never occurred to me that I might be on the short list of the rejected applicants.   

My decision to apply to Hunter College’s MFA in Creative Writing was fueled by the sheer desire to learn how to become a great writer – a vast departure from what motivated me in the past to apply to schools - schools that readily accepted me. Historically, I chose programs and institutions based on the bragging rights that would come with successful completion. If you’re not from New York City, you may not know that Hunter College is a revered institution and that the program I applied to is ranked 3rd in the country for non-fiction writing. The average college acceptance rate is around 15%. This program accepts 3%. And I was in the 97 percent.

I told people I was applying to this program. I told a lot of people. I told people who look up to me, who I know have weathered rejection in their own lives and are gun-shy of taking risks as a result. I wanted them to see in me a willingness to brave rejection in their presence. It’s easy to face rejection when in your heart you don’t think there’s a chance in hell of it happening. 

So here we are, three days later. I spent the weekend deeply pondering my hurt feelings, committed not to glossing over them, which is my inclination. It was, after all, a loss and a disappointment. My friends and family members reacted supportively, their responses varying from ‘Suck it Hunter College!’ to ‘They will regret it when you become a best selling author!’ And then there was my loving wife, who said with the deepest sincerity, ‘They probably didn’t think you needed the program, so they saved it for someone who did.’

I’m still a little winded, but I know I’ll survive. And I’m sharing my story with you to underscore the reality that we all experience rejection. And there’s nothing to be embarrassed of. Even if right now, I’m feeling a little embarrassed.

Screen Shot 2015-03-15 at 3.33.16 PM.jpg

You know a part of me wanted to hit reply and say, "That's Doctor Darcy to you, Bitches."

He’s Just Not That Into You

Screen Shot 2014-01-13 at 11.15.24 AM

Dear Dr. Darcy:

I have a little issue I was wondering if you could help me with. I’ve been spending time with a good friend (lets call him Ethan). Ethan and I have been friends for ages and whenever we are in the same city we always reconnect and have a good time. [Recently I began] sensing some "are-we-headed-for-a-relationship" vibes between us and decided to confront him, so we spoke about it… and decided that there is something there but b/c we don't live in the same city it's not worth pursuing. That night, he and I crashed at his friends place... [and we had] a really deep and good chat till the early hours of the morning. Eventually we landed up on the couch and had the world’s most innocent night. Never mind not having sex, we didn't even kiss. We just lay there talking… I felt so close to him and so respected. It was so innocent and so sweet. At about 4am I decided to go to bed so that we didn't land up doing something we regret. I woke up so happy about the night before. Then Ethan woke up. He was legitimately a different person. He was rude, cold and practically ignored me all morning. Eventually I decided to leave b/c I felt so uncomfortable and unwanted.

This Saturday he came to find me at a venue I was at… He told me how he's gone searching to three places to find me. He stood very close to me, enough for people to ask if we were together. A friend of mine came up to me and called me babe. [Ethan] looked at him and said 'hey, she's my babe'. To say I was mad confused is an understatement. We then went to a club with friends and he just about ignored me and flirted with every other girl there. So now I'm done putting in effort. I won't contact him unless he gets in touch with me. I just can't read him and this is just not worth the confusion.

ANSWER

I’m sorry it didn’t work out the way you had hoped. He sounds like an asshole. I dealt with so many people who acted just like him when I was in my 20’s… I only wish someone had helped me to sniff out the good ones from the bad.

Women tend to read too much into men’s behaviors.  Here’s the thing about good guys: You don’t have to analyze their behavior – because good guys just behave in a genuine, sincere and good way. There’s no breaking any code on them because their feelings are obvious – as is your guy’s.

He’s either confused, playing games or just not into you. Cut. Him. Loose.  You teach people how to treat you in life. You’ve already taught him that it’s OK for him to be Jekyll and Hyde because you gave him an opportunity to fix things the night he found you at the venue. If that had been me today, well, for starters, I would have asked him if he had a sister, but seriously, I would have told him that I only date people who don’t require mood stabilizers – or rather, people who take their mood stabilizers. And I would have told him to go fuck himself. That’s me at my age. It wasn’t me at yours. Don’t waste your time on this guy because you’ll only get more of the same. Start fresh with someone new and test drive your ability to draw conclusions based on what the person says and does – not based on what you think he means by what he says and does.

Writer’s Stats: Female, Straight.