Dear Dr. Darcy:
I have my holiday work party this weekend and I’m wondering if you have any advice of things to avoid doing. I’ve heard war stories from friends and I’d like to wake up the next day and not want to kill myself for making a fool out of myself. Thanks!
Don’t not go. You’ll look like an antisocial douche.
Don’t leave within the first hour. See above.
Don’t show up an hour late. Fashionably late doesn’t apply to work events. Which this is.
Don’t blow off steam by trashing or gossiping about the company, your colleagues or your boss.
Don’t be a vulnerability slut. Do not over share. And for God’s sake, try and be upbeat.
Don’t confuse boundaries. Your subordinates are still your subordinates. They don’t want to hear about your sex life. And the owner of the company is still your boss (she definitely doesn’t want to hear about your sex life – or your suggestions for bringing the company to the next level in 2016).
Don’t discuss politics, religion or other sensitive topics. If someone’s stupid enough to initiate such a conversation, excuse yourself to go to the restroom. Do not return to that person.
Don’t overdress, underdress or wear something that shows too much skin. Ask a woman or a gay man what people wore last year. I’d want to see pictures to avoid a misfire.
Don’t drink too much. What does this mean? Keep it to 2 drinks. 3 max. NEVER get drunk, even if everyone around you is hammered.
Don’t offer or accept drugs. And while you’re at it, don’t take drugs.
Don’t play drinking games.
Don’t hit on anyone. And don’t hook up with a coworker.
Don’t dry hump on the dance floor.
Don’t perform – unless you’re a performer. That means, for most people, no singing karaoke and no dance performances.
Don’t upload pictures or videos of your colleagues to social media without their (sober) permission.
Don’t close the party. Leave while it’s still fun. Never be the last to leave.
Don’t quit your job.