Will my partner ever change?

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Q

My girlfriend says she loves me but does not want kids even though she knows it’s my one dream. She also said no marriage - that people should just be together so if it doesn’t work out then you can just go your separate ways.

But when she’s face to face she says she loves me and sees a family and marriage with me. I’m so confused. Am I wasting my time? She always says one thing in front of me and then another when we are apart. Is it possible she will never change? Help, please.

A

The fact that you are a follower of mine and you don’t know the answer to that question makes me cringe.

My first rule of dating is that you should never expect your partner to change. Ever.

Don’t expect her to change the way she dresses. Or how close she is to her family. And ESPECIALLY don’t expect her to change her mind on children.

Listen, having kids is a huge inconvenience, and that’s how people who want them would describe it. The stats on marriage teeter at 50% when both partners more or less agree on the big things (marriage, kids, where to live). Adding a child to a relationship when one partner is ambivalent at best about breeding virtually guarantees disaster.

Also, what’s with her flip-flopping? Actually, what’s with you staying with a flip-flopper? How can you trust any position she holds if she says one thing when she’s with you and another when you’re apart?

You sound like you could use a break from the relationship to ponder how you came to be with your girlfriend.

Spend that time on a shrink’s couch, and don’t stop until you can answer this question - and your answer doesn’t involve any references to your partner: Why would I be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want the same things in life that I do?  

Demographics: Female, Bisexual