The Enemy of Your Orgasm


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Dear Dr. Darcy:

I’m going to start by saying that if I could be a lesbian, I would be. I am so tired of the guys I date giving up on me if I don’t come within 5 minutes of oral. Do girls really orgasm that fast?

My last boyfriend had a scruff and when I asked him to be careful (because his stubble was HURTING ME), he told me that he’s never had complaints before and that I was the only girl he’s ever been with who didn’t orgasm through sex.

Is there something wrong with me? Are all men like this?


Your last boyfriend puts the “d” in douchebag. He’s also a complete chump, because not only did his previous girlfriends and fuck buddies fake their orgasms, he knows so little about the vagina that he couldn’t even tell.

Statistically speaking, between 70-90% of women are incapable of reaching orgasm through penetration alone (Elisabeth Lloyd, The Case of the Female Orgasm [Harvard University Press] & Shere Hite, The Hite Report: A Nationwide Study of Female Sexuality [Seven Stories Press]).

The reason is purely anatomical: For the vast majority of women, the  clitoris is too far away from the vaginal opening to be properly stimulated during penetration. Thus, it turns out, the key to our orgasm has little to do with a penis and everything to do with the quality of the stimulation to the clitoris.

The idea that you’re somehow responsible for not reaching an orgasm within a specific timeframe is, quite frankly, all the evidence I need to confirm your ex’s ineptitude in the bedroom. There are 2 elements necessary for a female to reach orgasm: The first involves skill. One must know how to stimulate the clitoris, and preferences regarding stimulation differ from woman to woman. The second – which I would argue is more important than the first – is relaxation. I have never met a woman who reported that feeling rushed in bed enhanced the speed or the quality of her orgasm. To the contrary, most have reported that pressure is the enemy of orgasm.

And speaking of timeframe – the average woman takes 20 minutes to reach an orgasm through oral sex. Your guy wants you to come in a quarter of that time.  If he’s that lazy, he might try fully engaging in foreplay, which when properly done, can drastically reduce the amount of time it takes a woman to come. But he sounds too lazy to be bothered with upping his skill.

While I don’t think that having an orgasm is necessary (or even a helpful goal) every time a couple has sex, if a woman is capable of having an orgasm with a partner and her partner doesn’t learn how to bring her to orgasm, the expiration of that relationship is a foregone conclusion.

All men aren’t like your exes. Up your standards, stick to them, and you’ll begin attracting better quality partners.