Talk Dirty to Me

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Dear Dr. Darcy,

I’ve been with my partner for nearly 7 years. She’s always been willing to try, or at least discuss, any requests I’ve had for introducing new things to our sex life.

She’s mentioned several times that she wished I’d spice things up with some dirty talk. I want so badly to reciprocate her willingness to fulfill me, but every time I try my mind goes completely blank. I have no idea what to say or how to say it. Don’t get me wrong, I know how to give vocal cues. But putting words with my tone — that’s where I freeze.

Is talking dirty something that can be learned?


Anything can be learned. You just have to be willing.

There are few things hotter to a woman than well-executed dirty talk because (great) seduction starts by stimulating our minds.

Your first mistake is expecting to perform improv without any prep. The pressure in the moment is causing you to freeze – which is the last thing either of you want in the bedroom. Here I’ll say an ounce of preparation will equal a pound of cure.

I think you need a warm-up before engaging IRL dirty talk.

Start by following my 3 steps below:

  1. Erotica. Immerse yourself in sexually arousing literature, which will expose you to the language she wants to hear. Hate books? I’ll make you a list (below) of free erotica sites that span the menu of kink, though the quality of writing won’t always compete with that of published books.  

  2. Take Notes. Literally. As you read, note phrases that feel plausible for you to say. If a sentence or a word makes you blush, that’s OK. If thinking about saying it induces a panic attack, it’s probably too ambitious.

  3. Sext. Seduction can (and should) happen long before you’re in the bedroom. After you’ve begun reading that good stuff, you’ll probably see opportunities everywhere to send her a hot text. Do it.  Go into your ‘erotica’ notes, copy and paste. Hit send. If the idea of sending words still feels like too big a stretch, send her a picture of yourself. Or a picture of a part of yourself - ideally without clothing and without identifying body marks (no tattoos, no face, no birthmarks).

    Click here for my list of top free Erotica Sites!