Dear Dr. Darcy:
About a year ago, I had a little oops with my girlfriend’s friend. Ever since then she doesn’t trust me as far as she can throw me. But I’m getting tired of it. I shouldn’t have to live in purgatory forever because of one mistake. And now she wants me to tell her who I’m with at all times and what time I’ll be home – she gets bent if I’m like an hour or more late… Do you think couple’s counseling would help?
Nope. Not couple’s counseling, but perhaps some intense individual therapy with a direct, straight shooter will set you on a better path.
Let’s start from the beginning. About a year ago, you had an “oops?” You don’t accidentally find your head between someone’s legs, girlfriend. And speaking of girlfriends, you couldn’t have found a third party to fuck around with? It had to be her girlfriend?
Moving on…. And you’re writing to me because you’re frustrated that she doesn’t forgive and forget, sending you off when you go out with your ‘friends’ by kissing you on the forehead? Wake up, Cheater. She may have been naïve but she’s proving that she’s not dumb.
You’re not in purgatory. You’re on probation. Though both are earned states, yours might expire if you’d show a modicum of humility for your part in this mess. But instead, you’re pissed off that you have to tell her where you’re going and when you’ll be home.
Here’s the deal: You cheat, you get caught, you pay. The price you pay is typically in direct proportion to the amount of regret you express over your transgression. Express none because your bruised ego won’t allow you to admit that you did a really dumb thing and you’ll be on probation indefinitely. I didn’t invent this rule - it works the same way in the corrections system.
I don’t think you want a girlfriend. I think you feel held back by her and you should cut her loose so that you can do your own thing. Imagine how good it will feel to be able to go out at night, not have to report in to anyone, hook up with whomever you choose and not feel guilty the next day… Or maybe that would take some of the appeal out of it.