Torn Over Porn

Dear Dr. Darcy:

So, I'm a little (completely) embarrassed to ask you this, but you seem pretty cool and unshockable, and I'm in love, and – ok, so there's this girl. This thoughtful, loving, older (30), gorgeous girl, who wants the monogamous love fireworks, and the sex is getting awesome and...

.. and she has a MASSIVE... video collection. FF [female/female] Porn. Oh my GOD. Hundreds! I swear I'm not sexually repressed or anything (I set up a girls-only kissing corner in kindergarten and made $7.50 before the teacher caught me. I've been out ever since) but I have a meltdown every time we watch it. I've just heard so many stories of women being forced into these movies or drugged or sold, or contracting illnesses...

How do I talk myself out of this reaction? How do I give my girlfriend what she needs without gouging out my eyes? It's making me look totally insecure and nobody likes that. Ha. Is there anything (please) I can do besides go to a shrink and say "Help me watch porn with my girlfriend?" Oh my God. Help.

ANSWER

The good news is that you’re consciously aware that you don’t want to objectify or exploit women sexually. And, you’re not alone – a huge portion of the feminist movement is against pornography. However, there are many feminists who support pornography and sex work, particularly when it’s female produced and directed.

I think you would benefit from researching feminists who are pro-pornography.  You need another perspective to help balance the information that you have which is currently limited to stories of snuff films.

You’re right.  Nobody likes someone who is insecure.  But if what you’re saying is true and the aspect of the pornography that is disturbing to you is the potential exploitation of it’s actresses, than we’re not talking about insecurity here – we’re talking about something that contradicts your values and principals.  So let’s be clear:  It is not an issue of you comparing your ass to the tush on the screen, right?

Listen, like with most things, we can analyze and pathologize this to the point where you won’t be able to glance at the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue (still on stands for a few more days - just saying), and no one wants that.  Give yourself a little education to round out the information you currently have, and consider buying some female directed porn.  This will no doubt sound like an oxymoron to you, but some porn is so well directed that it's been awarded by feminist organizations.  I’ll link to it here. Happy viewing.