Tipping Point

Hey Darcy.  I’m hoping you can help me.  My wife has a rageful side of her.  Her temper overrides our entire family.  When she’s angry she says very offensive and untrue things.  She tells my son he’s retarded.  She’s called our daughter a slut and other words that I won’t mention.  This all started a few years ago when her parents died suddenly months apart from each other.  Now she drinks and flies into rages.  I feel helpless because my job is very demanding and keeps me out of the house for about 12 hours a day.  I’m really at a tipping point here and need some guidance.

ANSWER

So you’re at a tipping point and all it took was years of emotional abuse perpetrated by your wife and directed onto your helpless children.  Good.   Better late than never.

As you know, your wife needs to get control of herself.  If she is unable to do that, you’ll have to make some tough choices.  Losing a parent suddenly can cause trauma and trigger uncharacteristic responses from an individual.  Losing two parents suddenly virtually ensures trauma and the need for intense therapy.  I’m guessing she never sought support for her losses beyond the emotional punching bags that the two of you call children.

Here’s what’s going to happen if you continue to postpone making tough decisions: When the kids become adults, they’ll either write her off or attribute her rageful behavior to the trauma she sustained ~ and they’ll forgive her.  You, on the other hand, will be hated.  HATED. Why?  Because you were the only person who could have protected them from her.  You didn’t suffer any traumas that would explain away your apathetic parenting, yet you left these children in the care of a woman who was an unfit mother.  You are the adult.  You could have chosen to leave your wife which at the very least would have ensured a limit to her emotional battering.

Luckily you still have time.  The kids are not yet adults.  Email me for some names of couples counselors and immediately get into therapy with her.  If she resists, let her know that participating in therapy is her live-in-the-house card.  No therapy? No more living in the house.  You will then begin looking for an apartment for her.  This week.  Today.  Now.  Are we clear?

We’ll see by your actions if you truly are at a tipping point.  When the pain of where you are is greater than your fear of change, you will tip, grow, [insert here].

Writer's Stats: Male, heterosexual