The X Factor

Hi Dr Darcy:

Okay so my girlfriend and I are moving in together next weekend. Typical lesbians – [we’re] Uhauling [moving in together] pretty quickly. When we got together 5 months ago I had gotten out of a relationship just a few months prior. It had been mainly a long distance relationship and we were still chatting on Skype and emailing. My ex and I had a mutual breakup so therefore [we] felt like we could remain friends afterwards.

2 months into [my current] relationship, I sent my ex a few songs via email that I felt really explained our relationship. Well the band was a band that my new girlfriend who is a musician turned me on to and [my girlfriend felt] that in itself was sort of a betrayal.  She found out and was angry for a few reasons: Why was I sending my ex songs and did I still have feelings [for my ex]? The truth is maybe I did have a hard time saying goodbye to my ex and I wasn't ready for what a beautiful and wonderful relationship I was having.

My ex is coming to town next month and my new girlfriend doesn't want me to see her when she is in town!  I would like to see her but I am not sure – 1), am I only doing what my new girlfriend wants and will I resent her later? 2), maybe it's not right to… see my ex and hang out as friends? Ugh I am just confused. I really want to see the ex [and] go to the bar [and] have some laughs but my girlfriend thinks its absolutely not right and crazy to think that I would even ask her to meet or let me go by myself. Please help.  My ex is coming to visit next month. Thank you.

ANSWER

You are moving in with your girlfriend this weekend.  The two of you are adults and have made an adult decision (however early into your relationship) to make a home together.  It doesn’t have to be forever and it doesn’t have to end in happily ever after but it does come with a new set of rules.  You are not just roommates.  You can’t behave any way you want just because it’s what you want.  That’s the defining characteristic between an adult and a child: Adults can postpone gratification, even indefinitely, if we feel that giving into the momentary desire may harm our relationship.  You, X Factor, are behaving like a child.

If you want to send your ex girlfriend mix cd’s or the current technological version thereof, you should not be moving in with your new girlfriend.  It is a slap in the face to her that you would do something as emotionally intimate as that and it implies that you have unfinished business with your ex.  Perhaps you are right – perhaps you weren’t ready to enter into this relationship… Tough shit.  You’re in it.  Grab your ovaries and act like a woman who honors her decisions.  Control your impulses and do not send your ex songs.  Work that shit out with a shrink.  You don’t get to behave like that when you’re in a relationship, particularly when you’re on the cusp of creating a home with your girlfriend.

You’ve already broken trust in your relationship and so I’d say, for the time being, that your ex girlfriend is right and that it’s unreasonable for you to see your ex without bringing your current girlfriend along.  If you had played by more kosher rules, it might be fine, but not on the heels of the mix cd, and certainly not when, by your own admission, you may have unresolved feelings for your ex.

And if you want me to be completely honest with you, I think you’re freaking out over Uhauling this weekend and I think you’re unconsciously sabotaging the move.  I don’t think you’re ready for this.  And for sure, if I were your girlfriend, I’d slam on the breaks so hard that you’d have whiplash.

Writer’s stats: Female, gay.