The Rules According to Dr. Darcy

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Dear Dr. Darcy:

I have always been labeled "bi" since high school, but to be honest I have never gone "all the way" with a woman, or even had a relationship with one. Women have always been this exotic creature to look at but never do I get to touch. When it comes to girls I have no idea how to get the ball rolling so to say. Any advice?

ANSWER

I’m trying to determine if you’re looking for dating advice or sex advice… I’m going to opt for the former because it’s too early in the morning for me to address the later.

It’s a broad question you ask… How to meet a woman is different from how to interest a woman enough so that she’ll want to hook up with you.  Any Google search can show you how to meet women (Google: women seeking women), so I’ll answer by telling you how to make yourself attractive to a woman once you have her in front of you, and I’m going to do something that I almost never do:  I’m going to tell you what not to do.

DO NOT:

  • Monopolize the conversation or talk as much as she’s talking.  Ask thought-provoking questions to keep her talking. Women become attracted through being emotionally connected and that happens through emotional vulnerability.
  • Be a passive date.  Lulls in the conversation are more unbearable and unattractive than someone who fills every void with useless words.  It’s not her responsibility to do the heavy lifting and keep the conversation going.  Have some go-to questions that you can ask her if she becomes suddenly quiet, which, by the way, is a sure sign that she just realized that she’s doing all of the talking and she’s becoming exhausted.
  • Speak about negativity.  Keep it positive.  No one likes a downer.  If you can’t pull it together for a date, we can only imagine what you’ll be like after a month.
  • Tell her about your sexual and physical traumas growing up.  Keep the conversation at cocktail level.  Using myself as an example, instead of saying that much of my family’s crazy when asked if I’m close to them, I’d say, “We’ve had a challenging relationship over the years.  It ebbs and flows ~ like most relationships do. But I wouldn’t change anything.”
  • Tell her you like her or that you’re into her or any other verbal expressions confirming your positive feelings about her.  Humans like excitement and we only experience excitement through a little uncertainty.  Let your body language, eye contact and undivided attention tell her that you’re into her.
  • Split the bill.  I’m sorry.  I know women do this all the time, but I think it’s crass. Buck up and pick up the check. You’re not friends, you’re trying to hook up with her. Furthermore, it’s a great way to close a 2nd date.  “No, I’ve got this one.  You get the next,” you say, with a coy smile.

Stay tuned for the book.

Writer’s Stats: Female, Unsure.