Dear Dr. Darcy:
I’ve had a best friend since college. He’s a guy, I’m a girl and we’re both straight. Anyways, we’ve been each other’s go-to for any important dates like weddings and work functions and now we’ve hit a stumbling block. I started dating a guy a few months ago and he has some issues with my BFF. He complains when I’m texting him or if I tell him about a fight we had. Last week [my BFF and I] went to a concert and got drunk so instead of driving home we caught a ride to a local hotel & slept there. My boyfriend went nuts telling me that he feels like I have 2 boyfriends and that there are 3 people in this relationship. I feel like he’s days or weeks away from making me choose and I’m not sure what to do. Is it his right to make me choose?!
Your new boyfriend doesn’t have enough time under his belt to make the remarks that he’s making. Three months is too soon. That he feels entitled to go ‘nuts’ makes me think that going ape-shit is on the horizon…and as I ponder what that’ll look like, I get a little uneasy. He sounds like a nut waiting for an excuse to crack.
That said, I’ll tell you that the rules of engagement around the platonic BFF change when we get out of college and enter a serious young adult relationship. What you didn’t tell me is that the night of the concert, you and the BFF slept in the same bed. OK, fine, you only cuddled, but it was intimate – just like your constant texting, and that’s what your boyfriend objects to.
When we find a significant other, the relationship with our platonic BFF can become awkward because some of the emotional intimacy that we shared with the BFF needs to shift to the significant other. This transition should happen gradually and coincide with the amount of time you’ve been dating the sig other. Nut Job is asking for too much, too soon. Set some clear boundaries with him (which will likely send him running) and move on with your life.
Maybe next time you should try doing what lesbians do: Our BFF becomes our significant other, thereby circumventing all of this messiness.
Writer’s Stats: Female, Straight.