The 21 Year Old Virgin

Hello Dr. Darcy

I am freaking out. I am a 21 yr old lesbian in the closet oh and a virgin. I've only dated two women, both online cause meeting lesbians here is hard. Some of my friends are homophobic so I can’t tell them. They [call me] a lesbian but I know they are still my friends and joke about it cause it’s an assumption but if I confirm it I might not have any friends left.  This makes it hard for me to discuss my relationship problem with anyone. I am scared I am going to grow old alone and unhappy.

Sometimes I wish I would like at least one guy then my life would get easier and less complicated. I find guys gross (to say the least)  but I need to make my life work. How can I make myself like at least one guy? I have given up on love so I am not looking for love just a guy I like enough to have a relationship with.


You’ve outlined an impossible situation for yourself – one that you’re never going to fix until you change the way you see things.

1. It’s hard to meet lesbians everywhere ~ not just where you live. Online dating is a great way of meeting women. I’m not sure why you stopped.

2. Your friends suck. It is not acceptable to have homophobic friends. That you tolerate this speaks more to your self-esteem (or the lack thereof) than to the quality of the people you surround yourself with.  Find new friends by volunteering for LGBT organizations, by working with LGBT-owned companies or by joining LGBT online forums. I don’t know where you’re from, but if it’s as unsophisticated a place as you’d have us believe, I strongly suggest you move. Stop with the excuses. Change your priorities.

3. You’re 21-years old, you’ve dated two people, you’re still a virgin and you’ve given up on love? Does that even make sense to you when you read it? Do you know how many people straight people date before they fall in love? Most start dating in their early teens and ‘date’ 6-12 before falling in love (I piecemealed this statistic which is why I’m not referencing it. That said, I feel confident that I’m more right than wrong).

Don’t set yourself up for a lifetime of having negative, irrational beliefs. Choose a belief system that will make you feel good rather than one that will repel healthy people and only attract crazies. Maybe you’re that person who is hoping that if they announce that they don’t believe in love, the right person will convince them that it exists. Don’t waste your time with that wish. Anyone who would take you on as a challenge is only going to lose interest when you do fall in love, leaving you heartbroken.

4. Stop looking outside yourself to fix your life. Dating a guy is not your solution. Working on yourself is the solution. Get into therapy so you’ll be able to attract the quality woman that you deserve.  And stop surrounding yourself with homophobes who enable you to be in the closet. It’s no way to live.

Writer’s Stats: Female, Lesbian.