I am a 20 year female college student who has recently gone through a breakup of over a year long relationship. I am absolutely sure my ex-boyfriend truly still loves me (he does not deny this in the least), but he is, understandably, sick of being in a long distance relationship and feels the need to work out some of the big issues in his life on his own. I want to win him back, but I don't know where to start as I will be many states away from him in a couple days.
I've ruined seeming aloof, we had a huge scene when actually breaking up and I was prideful enough to think I could keep him from leaving. I've let him know I love him, I'll wait awhile for him to realize he misses me, and that again, I'm confident enough to know he'll come back on his own. Maybe this was a bad move, but its done. I have however, stopped contact with him since I left which hopefully will counteract some of the damage I have done. Where do I go from now? Although I do believe he may come back, I don't want to waste my precious time and wait, I want to win him back, now, even though I will be far away.
Let me clarify: You were in a relationship with a guy for 1 year who recently broke up w/ you b/c he didn’t want to be in a long distance relationship anymore. During the breakup, you dropped all pretenses, hoping he would reconsider, which he has not done. You’re aware that when you stopped playing it cool, you lost any bargaining power that you might have had. You’re confident that he’ll come back, but you don’t want to waste your time waiting. Instead, you want to know how to win him back immediately. Does this sound reasonable to you?
Look, you’re young – you’re only 20. You want everything yesterday. You haven’t developed the emotional muscles necessary to master the art of delaying gratification. I get it. But I’m no genie. And I’m here to tell you that it’s going to take some time to undo what you did during the breakup.
We are an interesting species, we humans. In general, we are more attracted to people who seem slightly out of reach. We think we want security and certainty but once we have it and the challenge is gone, we lose a little passion for the person.
You’re smart. You realized, at least in hindsight, that the way you behaved during the breakup has put you at a disadvantage. If you can battle your own discomfort and tolerate some legit distance, he might realize that he wants you back. But you’re going to have to control yourself, and I mean at all times. No contact, whether you’re fully functioning or compromised after a night of partying. Delete him from your phone to avoid any temptations. Don’t ‘unfriend’ him, unless you already have, in which case you shouldn’t attempt to change the status as it will seem like you’re a little nuts. Resist the urge to show off on your page. Stay low key. Create some curiosity around how you’re spending your time and where your head is. Become mysterious. Channel your energy into taking great care of yourself. Work out more. Eat better. Focus on making friends at school.
Remember, you’re the one who has a whole new world at your fingertips. He’s still home, with the same old people doing the same predictable things. You have an advantage in this respect. Let him initiate contact. When he does, respond intermittently. Let some time pass before hitting send. And as you get your game back, you’ll have built up some of those emotional muscles that I was talking about, which you’ll want to employ the next time some guy tells you he “feels the need to work out some of the big issues in his life on his own,” which is really code for, I’m not so into you anymore. Stay strong.