Hi Dr Darcy,
I am 27 years old. I'd like to say I have a good head on my shoulders and a job I see myself growing in. Anyways, I have been dating this guy for the last 4 months. He makes a lot more money than I do and owns his own home. Prior to me meeting him, I was working on my credit in order to fulfill my dream of owning my own house soon.
My problem is that that guy is really big on us moving in the near future. I lived with my ex boyfriend for 5 years, even though it was great I lived in HIS house and that's something I'm not willing to do again.
If things get even more serious with this guy, how do I tell him that I prefer to keep pursuing my dream of owning my own place (perhaps rented out if I move in with him) or if I do move in with him, how do I approach the topic of me at least being on the house deed considering that I will be helping him pay off his mortgage?
What should I do? I like this guy more and more. I don't want my dreams stand in the way of something that could be a great relationship.
First of all, you are BOYS. You are supposed to be socialized to want to avoid nesting. I can understand you finding one guy who wanted to cohabitate quickly, but two? The short answer is to stop dating lesbians. Since you’re clearly not interested in doing that, I suppose I’ll have to give you a longer answer.
You are 100% within your rights (and correct) to want to delay home ownership until you can clear up your credit so that you can be on the deed to the home that you’ll be contributing to monthly. To live in a house that you do not own will create an inequity between you and your boyfriend which will negatively affect the relationship. And you’ve already lived that scenario and know the end to that story. Do no repeat it. Make new mistakes. Not old ones.
If I can play Monday morning quarterback, I’d say you missed an opportunity to speak your truth when your boyfriend first mentioned moving in together. Were I you, I would have said, “I’m not in a position to cohabitate until my credit is cleared up…Unless, that is, you want to rent a home together.” Your failure to say that may have suggested that you are open to it, which only means that you’ll now have to explain why you never mentioned your reservations. The answer to that is, “I wasn’t sure how to handle it, but I’ve since given it some thought and I’m just not in a position to do that now.”
Stay true to your dreams. Do not give them up. They are not mutually-exclusive to having a good relationship. If your guy’s worth his weight, he’ll admire you for being willing to sacrifice in order to meet your goals.
With that said, I will circle back to the top of my answer and point out that 4 months is waaayyy too soon to be seriously contemplating this. Fantasize about it all you want, but stop any serious conversations about it. You boys are still in the honeymoon phase of the relationship, which is part of the reason why you didn’t set him straight when he first mentioned moving in together. If you still want to make a home with him in 5 months, you have my blessing. But do it in a way that keeps you aligned with your dreams.
Writer’s Stats: Male, Gay.