State of Arousal

Dear Dr. Darcy:

My girlfriend tends to get very soar from sex.  Often she prefers oral sex because she finds penetration painful.  Don’t get me wrong – I’m a big fan of giving oral sex, but [as a man] I’d like to have intercourse more often.  Do you have any suggestions?


I’m presuming that she’s spoken to her gynecologist about this and that there aren’t any medical issues.  If not, have her get checked out ASAP to rule out physical issues.  I’m also presuming that you’ve used lube and that it hasn’t made a significant difference.  That said, my thoughts are as follows:

Women are complicated.  By comparison, men are not.  The vast majority of us do not do well without foreplay, which, by the way, begins by seducing our minds, not our bodies.   So let’s talk about seduction, specifically, ways to stimulate more of her senses so that her body is in a more aroused state before the act of sex.

Sex is like a dance.  Dance can be exciting or boring, depending on how often you’ve seen the choreography.  Change your choreography my friend and you’ll both enjoy a more fulfilling sex life.

If you’re like most people, the daily grind of everyday life limits the amount of time and energy you have reserved for sex.  Yet, when you met her, you still had a life filled with obligations, deadlines and limited energy.  What you didn’t have was certainty, and neither did she.  The absence / opposite of certainty is excitement, and as you know, excitement is the ultimate aphrodisiac.  So let’s shake things up a bit so that she can’t predict your every move.

Anticipation is a big turn on, as is delayed gratification. Find a way to let her know that sex is imminent, at a time of the day when it’s impossible to act on it.  Perhaps you can messenger a hotel key to her at work with a note telling her to meet you at a specific time.  If a hotel is cost-prohibitive, send her an e-card telling her to meet you somewhere unknown after work.  She’ll spend the entire day imagining the night you have in store for her.

Don’t stop there.  Find ways to employ excitement into sex on a regular basis.  Time is an easy element to alter.  If she’s used to having sex at nighttime, find a way to initiate before work.

What are the power dynamics between the two of you, i.e., who’s the hetero-equivalent of the top?  Consider playing with the power and switching roles.  If you tend to be the top, an easy way to switch it up is to tell her that you won’t do anything to her without her telling you exactly what she wants you to do.  See where I’m going with this?

How much time do you spend on foreplay? Take that amount of time and double it.  Try it for a couple of weeks (without any intercourse) and see if her body appears to be more aroused.  Speaking of which, most people do not know what a woman’s body is supposed to look like in a fully aroused state.  Check out one of the books on my site.  Most lesbians, who have a home court advantage, have done a good amount of reading on the art of seduction.  If it’s useful to us, it will be useful to you, Straight Boy.

The most important feedback you can walk away with is this:  You are not a male porn star, though in your defense, you likely learned how to have sex from watching male porn stars.  Those are actors, and their female counterparts are acting as well.  Females are not ready for sex at all times, and in fact, those female porn stars likely masturbated for a good amount of time before the cameras began rolling so they could avoid the pain that your girlfriend is trying to avoid.