Slut?

Dear Dr. Darcy:

I am happily married, and more to please my husband than myself, I have, a handful of times, had oral sex with both my husband and his best friend at the same time. It's a turn on for me a little when it's happening, but they probably enjoy it a lot more. I don't feel comfortable having intercourse with his best friend so we don't cross that line. Anyway, my question is doesn't this go against marriage vows? I mean, not against God, but us as a couple? I feel a little guilty, even though we are consenting adults. I feel like afterwards, that I cheated on my husband, even though he is right there. It's really confusing, he has no problem with it though. Also, I don't totally fulfill my side of the fantasy for fear that I am doing something wrong! What do you suggest?

ANSWER

I think you want me to judge you, and while I’m generally happy to oblige, I’m feeling a lot more accepting of your marriage than, say, you are.  People have had open marriages since the beginning of time.  And let’s face it: With the divorce rate still hovering over 50%, it’s not like we’ve cracked the code on how to create and maintain successful relationships in this country.  My wife, for the record, will vehemently disagree with me, but who’s to say monogamy is the only way?

Nonetheless, I’m concerned by how you feel after your 3-way-lites.  Anyone can spin the definition of a cheat to suit their needs, and if you’re trying to confirm that by pleasing your husband in bed, you’re cheating, I’m sure you’ll do just that.  But to me, a cheat involves deceit, and with 100% honesty, I believe you disqualify for having cheated.

That said, my biggest concern is that you’re participating in these trysts “more to please [the] husband than [yourself].” I can’t tell if your guilt is roadblocking you from being able to admit that you enjoy these encounters, or if you are truly doing it for the team and not really getting anything out of it.  Speaking of which, I don’t like that you give and don’t receive during these experiences.  You reference that you don’t fully fulfill your side of the fantasy, which to me indicates that but for the guilt, you’d be down for receiving. Your confusion is confusing me…

I think this all indicates that you need to work this shit out, in your head, before you engage in this again.  Do some journaling, see what you can uncover, and decide once and for all if you’re in or you’re out.  If you’re in, than give yourself real permission to be fully present in the next encounter and see how it is.  You can always tell your husband that it’s not for you.

Writer’s Stats: Female, Straight.