Dear Dr. Darcy:
I finally ended [a relationship I was having with] my boss, quit work, and left the country hoping for a fresh start. I recently heard and personally saw texts of her spilling lies about me to a mutual friend and denying any sort of relationship ever existing. I feel so betrayed and upset and most importantly like I regret everything. However, I don't want to regret that this person opened me up to a new world that I was scared to enter, one where I realized I was gay. I just feel like I am so overwhelmed about the rumors and lies she is spreading that I want to just email her with such hate words but I know at heart I am truly grateful for the whole experience. How do I release the negative energy that I am holding onto without feeling the necessity to try and inflict pain upon her?
You have to stay focused on yourself ~ not on what your ex is doing. That means you’ll need to set a boundary when mutual friends, however well meaning, attempt to show you texts from her. Tell them you don’t want to see them. Her life is her's to manage. Her story is her's to tell honestly or deceptively, however she chooses. It’s her karma – not yours.
I think you’re angry with yourself more than with the ex. In hindsight, it’s easy to see that she was beneath you, not even close to vibrating at your vibrational frequency, and so you’re angry that you ever tolerated her treatment. But here’s the take away: You can’t rely on other people not to treat you badly. You can’t rely on other people to treat you with respect. You need to be able to rely on yourself to recognize the warning signs of a douchebag early on in a relationship so that you can get out with minimal bloodshed. And you’re pissed at yourself for failing to do so. It’s ok. It was your first relationship. You’ll do better next time.
Listen, you’re going to go on with your life. You’ve realized you’re gay. You know that there was value in that relationship. Your next girlfriend is going to be light years beyond where this last one was. Your ex was the first step on your relationship ladder and you’re only going up from there. The sky's the limit for you. Try and find some compassion in your heart for the ex, because she’s so committed to her lies, so resistant to the truth and to her truth. She’s a hot mess. Count your blessings that you’re not with her anymore. She’ll get hers. Don’t dedicate your life to ensuring that it happens.
Writer's Stats: Female, Gay.