Sexual Disclosures

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Dear Dr. Darcy:

Recently, after being intimate with my husband he revealed to me that before we were married he and his best friend experimented with each other sexually. His best friend is a male and there was oral sex and penetration... My husband tells me he is not confused about his sexuality [and he was] only experimenting and he has no desire to do it again, he is happily married to me and happy sexually. But for some reason I can’t stop thinking about it and feel like I don’t know who he is. I have women friends who I know have experimented with women and I don’t think they are gay but of course I am now afraid my husband is because he did this with a guy. It shouldn’t be different for guys to experiment and not be judged about their sexuality, but in my mind it is. What if he is denying who he is or something? Any advice?

ANSWER

He sure knows how to pick the right moment to tell his wife that he slept with a man, doesn’t he? Listen, timing aside, you want your partner to feel safe and to be able to disclose anything to you. Honesty is the glue of relationships. And since you and I both feel like he’s being honest, I want to encourage you to stop spinning – stop the what if’s. It’ll make you crazy, and you deserve to be secure. Trust that if something changes for him, he’ll come to you and tell you.

The real issue is that you’ve been married for however many years and you thought you knew everything there was to know about your man and a little part of you is wondering what else you don’t know about him. This disclosure is messing with your sense of certainty. Keep in mind that the flip side of certainty is excitement. Stay with me here.

I’m going to help you to shift the lens a little ~ just enough to see it differently: What if we decided that his sexually adventurous side is hot? And what if we decided that we think it’s intriguing that there are still parts of him that you’re getting to know, even after all these years? How many couples in long-term relationships can claim to have excitement? You can. Hang on to that, focus on what you want and trust that he’s being real with you.

I don’t think your man’s gay, and agonizing over it will only communicate to him that you can’t handle his honesty, and he’ll think twice before he’s vulnerable with you again.

Writer’s Stats: Female, Straight.