Sexpectations

Dear Dr. Darcy:

I am a freshman in college and just had my first hookup with a girl.  Although I can say without hesitation that it was better than anything I’ve ever experienced with a boy, I feel like I wasn’t very good.  She kept pulling away from me when I was, well, you know…And she didn’t finish.  At this point I’m sure I’m gay, but I’m worried I’m terrible in bed.  What’s a baby dyke to do?

ANSWER

What’s a baby dyke to do?  How ADORABLE are you?

Listen, the first time in bed with anyone can be a challenge.  Forget those scenes between Shane and Carmen in The L Word – that’s entertainment and not necessarily reality.  I think what was most off were your expectations of yourself.

Women, as I'm sure you've discovered, are complex. I remember having a conversation with some friends a few years back, one of which was about to have her first female hookup, and she turned to us and asked if we could give her any pointers.  “Just do what comes naturally,” said the only gold star among us. “What will come naturally to her,” I said, “Is blowing a guy.  She’s 28 years old and has never been with a woman.”  We all laughed, but the truth of the matter is that hooking up with a woman doesn’t come naturally for everyone, so ease up on the judgment.

If your girl was pulling away from you when you were going down on her, chances are she’s sensitive (either in general, or just in that moment), which is easy enough to rectify by using less pressure, or by holding off on heading south until she’s asking for it.  It happens to everyone, Baby Dyke, so don’t critique your skills too harshly, at least until you’ve had enough time to really develop some.

Your homework is to buy yourself some lesbian-produced porn (here’s a link to Pink & White Productions) and a lesbian How-To book (check out the Whole Lesbian Sex Book) and have FUN.  This is not a goal-oriented assignment.  Stop focusing on whether you finish or whether she finishes and just enjoy the journey.