Sex Matters

Darcy, I am writing to you as an inexperienced 21 year old who recently started dating a 31-year old woman, but previously dated men. My question is as you get older does the desire and drive to have sex go away or ever get over ridded? Generally speaking is it wrong to think that if I see the woman I'm dating (who is my boss) once every 3 weeks outside of work for 4 hours to assume that some time in the 240 minutes we have together we can put aside 30 minutes to have sex? We were on her boat this weekend and I wanted to lay down and cuddle with her and eventually initiate sex and when we were laying down and about to start, she commented how she wanted to get a tan and wanted to go back outside and lay down in the sun.

I don't get it, how could you rather want to be outside then having sex with me? I guess my question is, is she just not attracted to me or maybe I'm being forceful?

ANSWER

If anything, as we age, a woman’s sex drive tends to increase until about menopause, when the decline in hormones can cause a decrease in sex drive.  Some women do report a decrease in sexual desire when they are in their 30’s, but that is usually related to stress associated with having to meet the needs of a spouse, children and increased work obligations.   I don’t know if she has either of the first two or if her work responsibilities have increased, and I’m presuming you’ve talked to her about this on several occasions and her explanations aren’t making sense to you anymore.

Follow your gut.  Don’t over analyze this.  I think your gut is telling you that she’s not that into you.  Regardless of the reason why (she feels conflicted over being your boss, maybe she’s in the closet, etc.), you are 21 years old… You deserve a woman who wants to rip your clothes off several times a week.

That you’re tolerating this tells me that you have some other issues going on.  Maybe you feel conflicted about hooking up with a woman and being in this relationship allows you some of the aspects of being with a woman without the guilt of having sex with one.  Go see a shrink who can ask you all the questions that I can’t and who will help determine what’s really going on and so you can get the support you need to lose this girl. You are way too young to be dealing with lesbian bed death. And you don’t even identify as a lesbian…Find yourself a woman or a man who appreciates your youth, your energy and most importantly, you.  Sex matters.

Writer’s Stats: Female, Bisexual