Dear Dr. Darcy:
My boyfriend doesn't have sex with me...he stopped after 6 months. We’ve now been together for over a year and I’m starting to go crazy. He tells me he’s just not very sexual and that most couples don’t have sex after a while. My guy friends tell me he’s definitely cheating on me – that men don’t go without sex normally. I’m not sure what to do. I’m tempted to look in his phone to see what the hell is going on. I find myself picking on him endlessly. Maybe it’s just time to end the relationship. How important is sex to a relationship?
Given that you say you’re starting to go crazy, to question your boyfriend’s fidelity, to check his phone and to pick on him, I’d say it’s pretty important. At least to you.
Herein lies the difference between the genders: A man would not remain in a sexless relationship if the sex ended as early on as it did in your case. Women, however, have that loyalty chip which gets in the way of our ability to make decisions that are in our best interest when (we fear) doing so will result in hurting someone we care about.
Regardless of whether the absence of sex is a result of him cheating or the two of you being incompatible, it’s a big problem. Sex is the one thing that differentiates our intimate relationship from our relationships with everyone else. Don’t you deserve to have an intimate relationship?
You are just dating this guy. If you have this issue so early on, it’s fair to presume that it’s not going anywhere and that it will follow you, like a black cloud, into the next phases of your relationship, i.e. engagement and marriage. Bottom line: Sex matters.