Coming Out

Dear Dr. Darcy:

I lived in the closet until I turned 42. I have finally chosen to live true to my identity and feel as though I lost 20+ years [which I] need to make up for. That being said, I am a soft butch—although may look straight or Bi [and] for whatever reasons [I] am having trouble meeting women. I'm not sure if I'm giving off the wrong vibe, or what, but I'm feeling lost trying to connect and find a partner. I get "checked out" by a lot of beautiful women—but don't ever get approached for conversation. Last time I checked I wasn't wearing an "I am straight" sign. Do you have any tips on how to meet gay women? Is there a tattoo I need to get to prove my loyalty to the community?

Let me be the first to congratulate you on coming out. Now that you're here, let's try and get you connected with a woman. Despite women’s advances in the world, the vast majority of straight women still expect to be pursued, i.e., approached when it comes to dating. In a same-sex scenario involving two women, one of them must grab her ovaries & make a move. Do not wait to be approached or you will live a lonely life.

I wonder what vibes you are giving off… Humans in general are attracted to (seemingly) happy, self-assured individuals. Do you look like you’re having a good time when you’re out? Has the bar scene worked for you in the past? Perhaps you should consider online dating sites, which, at a minimum confirm that the women you meet are looking to date. In your ad, emphasize your excitement to finally be out. No need to mention the 20+ years that you need to make up for. Run the ad by a trusted friend and ask if you sound like a positive, self-assured woman (or send it my way for feedback).

I don’t think the problem is that you look straight. I think the issue is that you’re externalizing the problem instead of looking for ways that you can get your needs met. And if looking straight were a disqualifying factor, I’d be among the first ex-communicated.