Dear Dr. Darcy:
I’m dating an actress who I met in a 3-way. We were each seeing other people back then and left our partners to be together. Anyway, she’s incredibly beautiful and she gets cruised all the time, everywhere we are, by men and by women. It’s starting to make me crazy. There’s another thing that’s starting to drive me crazy-she wants to have 3-ways ALL THE TIME. We average 1 a month and I’d really like to have them less often. I’m so insecure that she’s going to find someone else more attractive or better in bed than I am. I’m really in love with this woman and I’m afraid of losing her and I’m also afraid that the more possessive I get, the more likely it’ll be that she’ll leave me. PLEASE HELP!
Your instinct is right. The more insecure you appear the less attractive you’ll become to your hot actress. It’s human nature. In fact, most people will tell you that confidence and self-esteem are two of their biggest turn ons. So it’s a bit of a conundrum… But that’s not the conundrum that I want to focus on.
I’m confused by the terms of your relationship and if I’m confused, I’m guessing that your actress is too. And I’m betting that you never discussed the terms with her because despite having met in a 3-way, you never anticipated that she’d want anyone but you. Can you see how naïve that is?
Listen, I don’t believe that monogamy is the only route to a happy relationship, but I do believe that clear communication is. You need to sit your girlfriend down and clarify the rules of your relationship and you need to speak up if you want 3-ways to be a not-so-normal thing. That said, be prepared for her to have made some presumptions of her own, such as presuming that you'd be open to having them even more frequently than you currently are. At the end of the day you may find that there's an incompatibility between you, but better to know than to live in a delusion.
Writer's Stats: Female, Lesbian.