Dear Dr. Darcy,
I have recently discovered that I find it really difficult to let go of a 'failed' relationship. I get myself so involved with the other person's life and feelings that they feel like part of me in a very short space of time. This has happened twice in the past 4 months....I came out as lesbian only 6 months ago and since then, my emotions have been very hard to control as if I have been waiting my whole life to fall in love with a woman and when it has happened it has been overwhelming and quite possibly scary for the other person involved. My question is 'Why is it difficult for me to let go and will it always be like this?' Thank you for your time.
Welcome to the land of Lesbos. It’s very common to fall hard, particularly in the beginning because, as you said, you’ve been waiting your whole life to be with a woman. That’s completely valid. As is your sense that it’s “quite possibly scary for the other person involved.”
Now we don’t want you to turn into a little creep, looking like a stalker every time a hot girl kisses you and sends you a text. You need some game. I know you’re excited and you want to start imagining U-haul day, but that will scare the other person away – no matter how into you she is.
It’s OK to feel one way and behave another way. That’s what emotionally intelligent people do. You can do all the fantasizing you’d like, but don’t share those fantasies with her on the first few dates. Pace yourself. Let her pursue you. Whether we know it or not, we all like to chase a little. It creates excitement. So let at least 5 minutes pass before responding to texts. Let her initiate at least half of the communication. Don’t share every thought that pops into your head. Allow there to be some mystery.
I don’t have a crystal ball so I don’t know if you’ll always be like this, but I’ll tell you this: If you can build some emotional muscles, i.e., become more capable of pacing yourself with women, it won’t feel as difficult after some time. It’s like going to the gym. The first time you go, you probably can’t run three miles, but after some time you’re able to. That’s not to say that the three-mile run isn’t challenging – but your body is better conditioned so it doesn’t feel as challenging as it did on the first day. You'll be fine, Baby Dyke. You just need some self-control ;)
Writer’s Stats: Female, Lesbian.