Lesbian Dating

Dear Dr. Darcy - I have my first date with a woman and I’m very nervous. I’m pretty sure I’m gay, but I’ve never been with a girl. Needless to say, I’m anxious about the actual hook-up part of the night. What should I expect? What should I be prepared to do?


What a loaded question… Are you looking for a step-by-step tutorial on lesbian sex? On the outside chance that you are, I recommend buying yourself a book. There are several links on this blog to such books. Start off with Lesbian Sex by Jude Schell. Most of us who came out as young adults (or older) bought every book on the subject of Lesbian Sex. Personally, I used to joke that with all the books I read, I had the equivalent of a PhD in Vagina by my first date.

What should you expect on your first date with a woman? Well, other than the obvious differences, there are some more subtle differences as well, some of which you might find enjoyable. For starters, the absence of a physical power imbalance makes women less inclined to ascribe to some hetero-normative scripts, particularly the “let’s wait” dance. Yes, you very well might find yourself having a serious hookup on your first date. I’m guessing this isn’t doing much to calm your nerves. Still, you should know that women are more inclined to own and embrace their right to sexual gratification in same-sex relationships. Just saying.

You should also expect to take a more active role in the hookup. If you’re feeling an attraction, don’t wait for her to make the first move. Many newbies make that mistake, which is further complicated when they are with another newbie and suddenly they’re at the end of the date, sans physical intimacy. So, grab your ovaries and Carpe Diem. This is no time to play shy girl.

You should be prepared to do anything you feel comfortable doing ~ and nothing more. Much of what you do will be determined in the moment by your comfort level. Make sure she knows that this is your first time so that she can be sensitive to where you are on your journey.

And finally, basic safety measures should be adhered to:

  • Make sure someone knows where you’ll be.
  • Schedule the date for a public place (no first date home-cooked meals unless you’ve known her a while).
  • Make sure you text that someone when the date ends.

And DO update us on your first walk down Lesbian Lane.