Dear Dr. Darcy:
I’m a 19-year old female writing to you because I’m in a very uncomfortable situation and I don’t know how to get out of it. My older brother’s girlfriend of almost a year has been flirting with me for a couple of months. At first I thought it was innocent and just her personality. A couple of weeks ago we were out at a bar and she kissed me in the bathroom. My brother has no idea about this. I’ve been out to my family as a lesbian for years and my family is fully supportive of me, however, my brother’s girlfriend, who is clearly at least bisexual, is closeted about it. I am super close with my brother but I don’t know what to do about this. I’m sure he’ll be devastated when he hears that his girlfriend did this, and now that so much time has passed, I’m beginning to worry that he’ll be angry with me for not coming forward with this information sooner. I feel like I’m keeping a dirty secret because although I’d never act on it, I think I’m in love with this girl. I’m such a mess I don’t know which way is up. Please Help!
Well that was a twist that I didn’t see coming… What a mess indeed. You need to focus on damage control and you need priorities. Your relationship with your brother is of course the priority. Consequently, he needs to be told immediately. Today. Not tomorrow. Don’t muddle the waters by disclosing to him your feelings for his girlfriend. It will make you appear to be guilty (and I’m not sure that you are) and convolute the issue. And the issue, in case it’s not crystal clear, is that his girlfriend is a manipulative pig who is provoking a disaster between two siblings. She needs to be thrown under the bus, and you need to make peace with the resolution that you’re never going to act on your feelings for her – unless you want to lose your brother and trigger a war within your entire family.
I’m going easy on you because your level of culpability, thus far, is unclear to me. You appear to be the target of this hateful girl’s manipulative behaviors. My gut is telling me that you’re the proverbial deer in the headlights – not someone who is or was conspiring to have an affair with her brother’s girlfriend, which would be the other probable explanation for why you didn’t spill this story to your brother immediately.
Speak to your brother. Be prepared for him to be hurt and uncertain about the extent to which you are trustworthy, and try to have a level of healthy detachment from the outcome. If you’re as close as you think you are, he’ll come around. And never speak to that girl again. She is beyond nasty.
Writer’s Stats: Female, Lesbian.