My Best Friend, Her Boyfriend, and Me

Dear Dr. Darcy:

My best friend and I have known each other for over a year. From day one she was flirtatious and at first I ignored it because I’d never gotten attention in that way from another woman but after a while she wore on me.  We told each other everything and we saw each other through the good and bad. Six months ago our relationship went from friends on the flirtatious side to more, but it only lasted briefly. I decided to take a step back [because] I knew she had a boyfriend… and she told me he was getting suspicious… Not long after he found out everything. I thought it'd be… easy [to separate from her] and that maybe her feelings weren't as invested as mine.  What I didn't expect was her tears and hearing her say that she didn't think staying with him would be worth it. Well long story short, 6 months later we are still friends, we still have our daily walks for at least an hour... secretly.  The attraction on both ends is definitely still there.

Some days are easier than others… I'm ok dealing with [just being friends] but every time it looks to her like I'm moving on or interested in someone else (which is never the case) or even spend time away from her (which isn’t often) she pulls me back in with a text saying its still hard or I miss you… I know that if [the boyfriend and she] do end up together that he won’t allow me to be in her life anymore... I guess my question is what should I do? Should I just cut my losses now even though it'd be hard to walk away or should I just hold on to this craziness as long as I can?

ANSWER

Girlfriend, you are torturing yourself.  And you need to take a step back so that you can see this clearly.

You are participating in a cycle of craziness.  You deserve to be ‘out’ in her life ~ not tucked into a corner where she’s not allowed to be friends with you.  And what kind of girlfriend is she if she promises not to have you in her life & goes for daily walks with you (among other things)? I’m guessing you two work together…good luck with keeping them apart (talking to her boyfriend here).

She’s not acting like a BFF AT ALL.  She’s being completely selfish by keeping you in her life in this way.  If she had an ounce of maturity, she’d put your ‘friendship’ on hold until she reaches a conclusion about who she wants to date.   Instead, she’s only thinking of herself by fucking him and stringing you along.  It’s gross.  Really.  It is.  And it tells us a lot about who she is and what you can expect from her if you ever do find yourself in a monogamous relationship with her.

Look, you want the quick solve to this issue?  I’m sure you want her for yourself, right?  OK, the solution is beyond simple:  Tell her you can’t have her in your life anymore.  Stick to your guns.  Stop talking to her, return texts intermittently (ratio: 1 to 3) keeping them very clean and respectful, and go on a dating website to meet other bisexual women. She’ll dropkick the guy within a month and you’ll have her all to yourself.  Women are pretty simple:  We always want what we can’t have.  You are case-in-point.

Writer’s Stats: Female, Bi.