Miss Match

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Dear Dr. Darcy:

I have a BIG PROBLEM. My boyfriend, freak that he is, can’t stay away from porn and porn mags. We have discussed this a thousand times. Every time I catch him, he’s filled with remorse, he promises not to do it again and within a few days, weeks or month, I catch him again. Last night I tried to look on his computer to see his history and the bastard put a pass code on his laptop so I can’t check anymore! Can you imagine?! So now what do I do? Threaten to break up?

ANSWER

Your boyfriend’s biggest problem isn’t his affinity for porn. It’s his affinity for attracting and being attracted to a woman who makes him feel like an errant Catholic school boy whenever he looks at porn. And as long as he remains in a relationship with you, a woman with whom he’s horribly mismatched, he will continue to have the same problems. Which brings me to you:

Why are you in a relationship with a guy who likes porn? Surely in these politically divided times, you can find yourself a nice, righteous conservative who would sooner endorse gay marriage than view porn for pleasure.  What made you stay after the first time you caught and shamed him?

Porn, for the record, is not a freakish activity, even for the actors. We are adults, Miss Match, and we are allowed to do whatever turns us on provided it doesn’t put us or another in danger. Porn is a mainstream activity – watching it is not even remotely unusual or kinky. I’m very sorry that you’re scope of sexual play is so limited.

You need to trust what you see when you see it and stop hoping that over time it will turn into something that you’d prefer. When you taste a dish at a restaurant that is not to your liking, don’t send it back with instructions for improvement. PICK ANOTHER DISH. And stop looking at your boyfriend’s laptop and other personal devises. You need to learn how to self-sooth, Miss Match. The world is never going to operate according to your rules.  You’re going to have to build up a tolerance for discomfort that doesn’t involve changing others.

Writer’s stats: Female, Heterosexual.