Dear Dr. Darcy:
I’m from London and [I] got married just a few months ago, [though] I have fancied someone else for almost a year ([he] is a friend who coaches me as a personal trainer).
My Husband and [he] met briefly once. We were all out and my husband said instantly that he didn’t like him and that the way he looked at him said, “I don’t like you and I fancy your fiancé.”
Just before I got married, I was out for drinks to celebrate and [my ‘friend’] eventually made it and brought his girlfriend. His girlfriend went to the bar or toilet, whilst she was gone, he just looked at me…. nothing else! But the way he looked at me… it was like we both instantly knew how we felt about each other, or at least that we have some feelings for each other…. all this said, just with a look in his eyes… Under the influence of alcohol, I said a few things in reaction to his look…
After that evening via text and emails, he said that we would forget anything that I said and that he does have more to say on the matter but I am to be married and it would make things more awkward. [My ‘friend’ and I] now meet once a week [for personal training] lessons… We speak briefly before and after training, general friendly chit chat but other than that its just meet for training and go…. We haven’t spoken about feelings or anything since before I got married….
My husband and I had a terrible fight about a month ago, and he got so upset, he was heartbroken and felt I didn’t want him. I did say that I had cold feet and had doubts but now it has completely left me (I know it sounds nuts but I believe in positive thinking and every night I do my grateful log, then I ask for 1 −2 things that I'm grateful for that haven’t happened yet, I kept asking for my feelings for [my ‘friend’] to leave me). Anyway, he said how can you have such doubts and all of a sudden its gone and every thing’s OK!? He said he isn’t happy and feels I’m lying to him. He says he has seen our kisses at the end of our text and that it is not normal…. he feels threatened by the time I spend with him. He also feels he has a void… because he wants kids desperately.
To sum it up, I love and care for my husband deeply but I have feelings for someone else [and I don’t know what to do]. I am sure you are going to tell me to stay away from [my ‘friend’].
Let’s be crystal clear: You are having an affair on your husband. You may not be having sex with this guy (yet), but you are seeing him regularly, alone, and nurturing your feelings for him every time you meet. That it hasn’t occurred to you to find a new trainer tells me how under the influence you are (see my post from last Friday, linked to here).
Your ‘friend’ is a threat to your marriage. Furthermore, he is not a friend, rather, someone who you have intimate feelings for, rendering him just short of a lover (JSOAL), so in the spirit of ending your delusion, I’m going to call him by his new acronym.
JSOAL is a threat to your marriage because he is pulling your focus away from your husband. Your husband, in a desperate attempt to keep you tied to him, is suggesting that you try to have children. Do not add a further complication to this mess by conceiving a child. You yourself are still a child, as evidenced by your inability to navigate your adult relationship and understand the boundaries that must exist in order to preserve the intimacy with your husband.
Your belief in positive thinking isn't and doesn't sound nuts, however, there are 2 major problems with what you're doing:
- The mind will attract what you think about. If JSOAL is at all in your thoughts, you will continue to attract and be attracted to him. What you need to be doing is envisioning deeper intimacy with your husband.
- There is a HUGE disconnect between your positive thoughts and your actions. You are like the poor man who repeatedly prays to God asking to win the lottery, but who never buys a ticket. If you want JSOAL to exit your life, you must take ACTION.
Since you ask, I’ll set forth a list of things that you must do immediately to save your marriage. I don’t for a minute think that you’ll follow my advice. I’m doing it because it’s my job and perhaps some other follower of my blog will read this and be able to apply my suggestions to her own life. You, my friend across the pond, are welcome to write in again after you’ve blown your marriage to bits. And I promise you I won’t say I told you so.
- Find a new trainer today.
- Stop texting JSOAL today.
- Do not ever see JSOAL again.
- Write JSOAL a letter, old school, telling him that in an effort to save your marriage you’re ending all communication with him starting today.
- Go see a counselor to discuss your ambivalence about your marriage. If I haven’t frightened you away and you’re willing to really work in therapy, I’d be happy to work with you via Skype.