Land of the Lost

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Dear Darcy:

I'm an American in Japan, and will be here for one more year. But the lesbian scene here is REALLY bleak for a variety of reasons, and I've been single for a long time except for the occasional, usually disappointing fling.

I started dating a girl almost two months ago, however.  I wasn't sure what our relationship status was because she’s going to grad school in Tokyo next April - far from our city.  However, we didn’t have sex till the third date, we've gone on day-long trips together, I met one of her family members, etc… not exactly how you act with a girl you’re only interested in shagging. But any attempt to clarify what we are on my part, however subtle, has been met with awkward ambiguity (which I initially attributed to cultural differences and our newness).  Recently though, I discovered that she went to a lesbian event and was mackin' hard on a friend of mine’s bi-curious pal.  There are other signs that point to a lack of seriousness and respect, and she even confessed that she’s the kind of person who can have sex with girls that she doesn’t care about at all.

I’m not upset that she’s interested in seeing other girls.  I am, however, upset that she was sneaky about it.  I feel led-on… she should have been honest about what she wanted from the beginning.  I’m also not against the idea of polyamory, but I’m not a piece of meat.  I’m tired of sleeping with emotionally unavailable women. It’s pretty obvious where this whole affair is headed.  However, the sexis really good.  Like really…

So my conundrum: break it off with her since it’s quite clear that forming any kind of emotional attachment, monogamous or otherwise, is a bad idea, and go back to being alone and sexually frustrated until god knows when. Or, since she’s so rare, enjoy her as long as possible and sink-or-swim learn how to detach my emotions from sex, the same as what sometimes feels like the rest of the lesbian populace.  Thoughts?

ANSWER

Tons. We attract and are attracted to people, places and things that are mirror reflections of ourselves. What I mean by this is that your life is not an accident – it’s a culmination of the decisions that you’ve made and the people places and things that you’re attracted to.

There are a myriad of reasons why you are lonely – not the least of which is that you didn’t prioritize your personal life in making the decision to move to Japan. I wouldn’t move to a gay-unfriendly land for all the money and opportunity on earth.

I have never met a truly emotionally available person who couldn’t find emotionally available people. I have, however, met dozens of people who believethemselvesto be emotionally available – people who are blithely unaware of their emotional IQ. I have also found that it’s virtually impossible to tell these people that the problem resides within them as their investment in externalizing responsibility for their unhappiness is so deeply ingrained.  Still, eternal optimist that I am, I will attempt, yet again, to illuminate the problem and its solution:

Work on yourself. Focus less on finding a woman and more on making yourself a more attractive partner while you’re out of the states. Buy yourself a great vibrator and stop collecting evidence that the lesbian scene sucks in Japan (I have several friends who live there and although they are straight, I’d be very interested in learning whether or not your take on the scene coincides with theirs). Find a therapist who works via Skype or Facetime (email me for names if you’d like: darcy@askdrdarcy.com) and focus on the one thing that you have control over: Yourself.  Ms. Right will follow.

Writer’s Stats: Female, Queer/Lesbian