Dear Dr. Darcy:
I am newly married to a beautiful, wonderful woman who is in her sexual prime. I'm 43 and am not interested in sex at all. She does every thing a man could want from a wife and more. She thinks I have another women and that's why I'm not interested. I have never ever cheated on her & don't plan to ever start. She emasculates me and constantly accuses me of infidelity and more. I'm at my ropes end. I have ED [erectile dysfunction] and low testosterone levels and worried I might have prostate problems. I just want to make my wife happy and all she thinks is that I’m not interested in her at all and it really hurts my feelings.
OK, let’s see if I can manage to answer this question without further emasculating you, since your wife seems to have done the job.
I’m confused about the incompatibility between the two of you. If you just got married, than the relationship can’t be that old. Therefore, at one time in the not-so-distant past, you two were getting it on, at least well enough for a mutual agreement to get married. Is the ED [erectile dysfunction] a new issue? Regardless, it’s an issue that needs to be shared with the wife. It will clear up many of her misconceptions about why you aren’t having sex more frequently. I can imagine that the thought of telling her is daunting, but there’s no way around it.
Now for the tough news: Contrary to what you think, she is not everything a man could want from a wife and more, and I’ll tell you why: Because she emasculates you! You seem to be comfortable being the problem in this relationship, which is part of the problem. ED is a couple’s problem once you are married. It is not just your cross to bear ~ it’s hers as well. She signed up for better or for worse. You didn’t promise her perfect health, and guess what? If she has a fucking problem with your inability to get it up, YELLING AT YOU ISN’T HELPING. And if she’s in her sexual prime and it has rendered the two of you completely incompatible in the bedroom, you may want to explore creative solutions, such as an ED drug like Viagra or allowing her to get her needs met elsewhere, or the thousand solutions that fall in between those two extremes.
The problem is that you’ve both identified you as the problem. You’re walking around with a beat-me, kick-me sign and she’s obliging. You need to change this dynamic if you want your marriage to work, which will require that you grab your balls and insist on seeing a couple’s counselor. Though, as I think about it, I can imagine why you might be hesitant to grab them, lest they be the next target of her fury.