Dear Dr. Darcy:
I'm an educated, professional, 52-year-old transgender woman who has recently started dating again after a decades-long relationship ended. I've tried online dating but it's been very frustrating. I've met several very intelligent, attractive women close to my age who liked my profile enough to meet in person. The conversations have been interesting - we've talked about our lives, religious and political outlook, families, and careers. In each case, I had a good time and there seemed to be every indication that she was also enjoying herself.
Afterward, they all politely told me that they are not interested in seeing me again. I'm always surprised, because it seems like we were getting along. True, there were no fireworks, but I generally need to get to know someone better before I start to feel a strong attraction.
I've asked my friends if there's anything about me that puts people off. Perhaps they've been too polite to tell me, but they all say it's probably bad luck, or that these people had a definite idea of who they wanted to date and I didn't fit the description. But it's starting to bother me, first, that I don't attract anyone enough to want to get to know me better, and second, that I have no clue that my dates aren't enjoying my company.
Your dates are enjoying your company. That’s not the issue. The issue is that they don’t want to rip your clothes off. They don’t want to exchange bodily fluids with you. They like you just fine – but they’re not feeling any chemistry. That’s the problem.
Now here’s the thing about chemistry: It often comes in the strangest packages – which completely dispels the myth that chemistry is all about physical appearance. It’s not. It’s about your seduction skills. Particularly when it comes to attracting women.
How many average or below average looking people have you seen with incredibly hot women? I’ve seen too many to count. The partners of these women know how to seduce them. And you need to learn.
Here are some thoughts to keep in mind:
- Women are attracted to happy people. Make sure you’re happy. If not, do some work on yourself. The whole reason why she’s engaged in online dating is because she thinks meeting you will make her happier. If, however, you present as though you should be connected to a Prozac drip, you won’t attract anyone. Get into therapy and work your shit out.
- Women like passion. Communicate that you’re a person of passion by maintaining eye contact, by talking about issues that light you up, by letting her see that you are on fire. Don’t be afraid to express yourself. Be an active listener. Ask thought provoking questions about what she’s saying. Let her know that you’re interested. Don’t be passive.
- Make sure you’re in the right frame of mind before going out on dates. If you’re feeling demoralized, it will repulse her. She doesn’t want to spend her night convincing you why you should be a hopeful dater – that’s the job of a shrink. Get yourself in the proper mindset before the date. Make sure you work out a few hours ahead of time to get your endorphins pumping. Listen to a playlist of music that always puts you in a positive mindset. Try this once. If it doesn’t have the desired effect, I suggest you pause dating and work with someone because if you continue to have negative dating experiences, you’ll amass a pile of evidence around your failures.
At the end of the day, there’s something you’re doing or not doing that is getting you the results you’re getting. It’s not the job of your friends to tell you that you’re a bitch, that being around you pulls them into the depths of a depressive black hole, or that you present as so anxious it would put off a Buddhist Monk. That’s the job of a shrink. Stop asking people who are invested in placating you. Get in front of an objective expert.