Dear Dr. Darcy:
My girlfriend is amazing and we’ve been together for a couple of years... Every time she has a few drinks, she starts flirting with other women or if we’re alone, she frequently wants to watch lesbian porn (she has her own stash btw). I found this very hot for a long time, but ever since I stumbled upon your blog I’ve been getting worried. She hooked up with a random woman at a bar recently, in the bathroom, and she told me all they did was kiss. But she also told me that ever since the hook up, she masturbates to the thought of it – every day – sometimes 10 times a day. I’m secretly very turned on by this, but I don’t want to lose my girlfriend and I’ve read some of your posts written by guys who encouraged their girlfriends and wives to be with women and wound up losing them. I don’t know what to do. Do I encourage it or put an end to it?
You’re in a quandary: Turned on by your girlfriend’s attraction to women and turned off by the thought of losing her to Camp Lesbos. You’re playing with fire and that’s why alarms are going off in your head.
Let’s clear one thing up: If you’re in a committed, monogamous relationship, there is no room for her to explore her sexual orientation. If, however, you’re in an open relationship, one in which you each have the right to hook up with others, then she’s free to explore this side of her. The answer to your question begins by picking one of these two relationship categories. You can’t have both. They’re mutually exclusive.
I’m betting you’re in category 1, in which case you need to sit the girlfriend down and tell her that if she wants to explore this part of herself, she can’t do it within the relationship. You should institute a short-term ‘break’ in the relationship, because she’d probably rather repress her attraction to women than end her relationship with you and all the hetero-privilege that comes along with it. The problem with that is if she’s truly gay, she’ll eventually need to explore it and by then you may be tied to her through marriage and children. Given that you see the writing on the walls today, I’d rather see you take action that will lead to a long-term solution.
The next time a girlfriend tells you that she just hooked up with another female, respond the same way you would if she told you she hooked up with a dude, because the bottom line is that she’s telling you she just cheated on you.
Writer’s Stats: Straight, male.