He’s Just Not That Into You

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Dear Dr. Darcy:

I have a little issue I was wondering if you could help me with. I’ve been spending time with a good friend (lets call him Ethan). Ethan and I have been friends for ages and whenever we are in the same city we always reconnect and have a good time. [Recently I began] sensing some "are-we-headed-for-a-relationship" vibes between us and decided to confront him, so we spoke about it… and decided that there is something there but b/c we don't live in the same city it's not worth pursuing. That night, he and I crashed at his friends place... [and we had] a really deep and good chat till the early hours of the morning. Eventually we landed up on the couch and had the world’s most innocent night. Never mind not having sex, we didn't even kiss. We just lay there talking… I felt so close to him and so respected. It was so innocent and so sweet. At about 4am I decided to go to bed so that we didn't land up doing something we regret. I woke up so happy about the night before. Then Ethan woke up. He was legitimately a different person. He was rude, cold and practically ignored me all morning. Eventually I decided to leave b/c I felt so uncomfortable and unwanted.

This Saturday he came to find me at a venue I was at… He told me how he's gone searching to three places to find me. He stood very close to me, enough for people to ask if we were together. A friend of mine came up to me and called me babe. [Ethan] looked at him and said 'hey, she's my babe'. To say I was mad confused is an understatement. We then went to a club with friends and he just about ignored me and flirted with every other girl there. So now I'm done putting in effort. I won't contact him unless he gets in touch with me. I just can't read him and this is just not worth the confusion.


I’m sorry it didn’t work out the way you had hoped. He sounds like an asshole. I dealt with so many people who acted just like him when I was in my 20’s… I only wish someone had helped me to sniff out the good ones from the bad.

Women tend to read too much into men’s behaviors.  Here’s the thing about good guys: You don’t have to analyze their behavior – because good guys just behave in a genuine, sincere and good way. There’s no breaking any code on them because their feelings are obvious – as is your guy’s.

He’s either confused, playing games or just not into you. Cut. Him. Loose.  You teach people how to treat you in life. You’ve already taught him that it’s OK for him to be Jekyll and Hyde because you gave him an opportunity to fix things the night he found you at the venue. If that had been me today, well, for starters, I would have asked him if he had a sister, but seriously, I would have told him that I only date people who don’t require mood stabilizers – or rather, people who take their mood stabilizers. And I would have told him to go fuck himself. That’s me at my age. It wasn’t me at yours. Don’t waste your time on this guy because you’ll only get more of the same. Start fresh with someone new and test drive your ability to draw conclusions based on what the person says and does – not based on what you think he means by what he says and does.

Writer’s Stats: Female, Straight.