Get Real About Dating

Dear Dr. Darcy:

I’ve been dating FOREVER and I almost never get past the first date.  I’m not the most gorgeous person on earth, but I’m not ugly, and even ugly people seem to find partners.  I can’t figure out why this keeps happening.  These first dates all feel like job interviews to me.  They are positively miserable experiences filled with awkward silences and excuses to end early. I’m about ready to switch teams.  Maybe dating men is easier than women.


As someone who has dated both genders, I can confirm that men were far easier than women, so I feel your pain, brother.  Nonetheless, I wouldn’t recommend switching teams for the sake of ease, as the same issues will likely pop up for you no matter which gender you’re with.

Let’s address your attitude:  It sucks.  It’s negative, heavy and dark.  You walk into these dates expecting to climb a mountain and the Law of Attraction being what it is, that’s exactly what you find.  Every successful performer and athlete has a ritual (conscious or unconscious) that they engage in before a big performance or game, enabling them to immediately tap into positive energy.  You need such a ritual. Make a playlist of songs that immediately puts you in a good mood and listen to it on your way to the next date.  Feel free to add other uplifting concepts and actions into your pre-date ritual.  You need to enter these dates with a sense of playfulness and positivity so that she’s attracted to you and not repulsed by the darkness.

There are some general mistakes that people tend to make on dates.  Let’s see if being mindful of these issues changes your game:

Missed Opportunities: Are you missing opportunities to ask your date questions about herself?  Being a good conversationalist involves capitalizing on opportunities to ask thought-provoking questions.  Are you missing social cues?  Are you delving too deeply into topics that should remain superficial or that your dates find boring?

The Ex Factor: Are you talking about your ex girlfriend or ex crush?  Nothing turns a girl off faster than hearing unprovoked stories of her predecessor.  How much is too much?  On a first date, I’d say anything is too much.  If you continue dating, you’re ex will come up in conversation at some point down the road.  You’ll need to write in at that point for how to handle that.

Unpacking too soon: I’m not referring to U-hauling here…I’m referring to the over-share.  She doesn’t need to know about your drug addict brother or about your childhood traumas ~ not on a first, second or third date.  How do you know when to share this sort of thing?  When she begins to share, reciprocating similar stories will act as a bonding agent between you.  However, share too soon and it’s like spraying Raid on a bug.

Writer’s Stats: Male, Heterosexual.