Dear Dr. Darcy:
I am a 31 year old male and just learned that my boyfriend of 1 year has some pretty outrageous kink fetishes. I don’t so much have an issue with him liking to watch lesbian porn when we have sex, though I’m not thrilled with his request for me to cross-dress. My real issue is that I feel deceived by him and as though he waited for me to fall in love with him before sharing this part of himself with me. Really, what were my options after dating him for a year? Tell him that he’s too weird for me? And now I feel like this revelation has created a divide between us. I’m worried about the relationship. I’d appreciate any advice you have.
Your boyfriend made a mistake in timing, Fretish, but he did not commit an unforgivable sin. This has turned into something much deeper than chick flicks and new couture. It’s stirring up all your trust issues and if you’re not careful, it will turn into a power struggle.
Let’s try to keep this very simple: Imagine he had told you about his fetishes by month 3, which, not to fuel your fire, he should have. Would the kinks alone have been a deal breaker? Answer that question and you will have made big progress.
I don’t think his fetishes are over the top, though admittedly I heart playing dress up and am certainly not averse to watching lesbian porn. Sometimes being in love means stretching beyond your comfort zone. I want you to decide whether your misgivings are about the timing or about the information itself, and then at least you’ll have boiled your issue down to something manageable. If it’s a fret issue, get into individual counseling. If it’s a fetish issue, get into couples counseling. Email me if you need names.
Writer’s Stats: Gay, Male.