Deal Breaker

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Dear Dr. Darcy:

About 4 months ago, I started dating an incredible woman and I think I’m falling in love with her. Before meeting me, she was single for 7 months and before that, she was with her ex for a year… When we started dating, she was supposedly ready to meet someone new.

Lately, I felt things getting more serious with this girl…At the same time, she started bringing up her ex a lot in our conversations and she always talks about her with such anger.

The fact that she acts like my girlfriend but doesn’t seem to have completely moved on from her last relationship confused me and I asked her about it. She started crying and told me she wants to be my girlfriend but feels incapable of it. Since we’re getting closer, she feels a lot of anger towards her ex coming up to the surface and is terrified to enter another relationship. She also said she wants to keep seeing me and that I am the perfect woman for her but she doesn’t have the energy to be totally present at the moment.

Although I appreciate her honesty, I’m extremely hurt and confused. With her contradictory behaviour, I can’t tell if she likes me or if she’s just using me. A part of me wants to keep seeing her at her own pace and wait until she’s ready to be in a relationship. Another part of me wants to call it quits since I want to be in a relationship and she cannot give me that right now. However, I’m afraid this would mean giving up too soon on what could become a really good relationship. Can you help me figure out this situation? Clearly, I can’t.

ANSWER

You deserve to be in a committed relationship. If you compromise and continue to see her without the label of ‘girlfriend,’ I think it’s too high a price to pay. You’ll be undervaluing yourself. And I’m concerned that it will never evolve into a relationship if you lower your standards at this point (think buying a cow vs. milk for free). Furthermore, I'm annoyed that she says she doesn’t have the energy to be totally present at the moment.  We find the energy for the things/people that matter to us.

As painful as it will be, tell her to take some time to work through her feelings/baggage. Take a break from the relationship. And by break, I mean you’re each allowed to see other people (none of this I’ll wait for you bullshit which undermines the whole point of taking a break).

Here’s what will happen when you do this:

  1. Your self-worth will increase because you didn’t compromise your values.
  2. She’ll learn that if she wants to be with you, it has to be within the context of a relationship. You deserve no less.
  3. She’ll have a reason to work through her baggage instead of wallowing in it. You just might find that she’ll come back to you in record time, ready to commit.

And if by some chance she doesn’t get it together, you’ll be sending out the vibrational frequency necessary to attract a woman who is prepared to give you what you deserve. As far as I'm concerned, your girlfriend's baggage is a deal breaker.

Writer’s Stats: Female, Lesbian.