Crushed

Dear Dr. Darcy:

I don't even know where to start, or if I'm a lesbian, or bi, or... I've been married for 15 years and we have 3 children. I love my husband, he's a great guy, hardworking, wonderful father. We have sex all the time. Everything should be perfect?

I started realizing I was attracted to women 10 years ago. He not only didn't mind, but encouraged it. I guess that's not surprising, and I was glad for his support. He gave me the green light for an experience with a woman if I wanted it, but I never did. 7 years ago I met her. She was our OBGYN, and delivered our children. Yes, I know that sounds weird. The whole time she was my Dr. I hoped we could be friends, but the Dr./patient thing kept us at the "professional friend" level. Then she retired, and we started hanging out as friends. We are compatible in almost every way, literally. In the past year, 3 or 4 times at a party things have gotten a bit out of hand. My husband was there, and approved, as was hers. (They did not participate) She and I never had sex, but ...

Now, all of a sudden she's pulled away. I find myself devastated. Her friendship means more to me than anything else that might have happened, and I feel as though somehow, through whatever happened between us, that's been ruined. I do not know what to do. My husband has started getting frustrated because he thinks I think about her too much. He didn't mind until this happened, and I started getting "broody, as he says." I was fine until she suddenly pulled back with no explanation. She and I have never talked about what happened those times, so it's not like I can bring it up. We always just went on like nothing happened. There is no reason for her to have pulled back, our friendship was fine, we've never had a disagreement. I can't go on like this. I don't know why I feel this way, and I'm sick to my stomach now. What is wrong with me? And, at 40, I feel silly even asking this ... I should know better I think. But now I find myself checking my phone 35 times a day for a missed call, as though I've morphed into some 16 yr old with a crush.  I wish I'd never kissed her. Is there anyway to stop feeling this way?

ANSWER

No.  There’s no way to stop feeling this way.  There’s no way to control any feeling.  What you can control is your response to the feeling, and you can behave as though you’re not broody, but it will be horseshit and the performance will probably make your husband feel more concerned than at ease.

This is what it feels like to fall in love with a woman.  Correction.  This is what it feels like to be in love with a woman who is pulling away from you.  I don’t know why she’s pulling away, but given your marital status and your husband’s reaction, I recommend that you not pursue her.  You’re treading on dangerous territory now, particularly given that he’s becoming uncomfortable.  At some level he senses that your feelings run deeper than either of you wishes, which is why he’s begun making noise.

If you ignore my warning and you pursue the relationship with Dr. Vagina, your marriage, and hers, will be in jeopardy.  You say that your marriage is great.  OK.  Let’s presume that this was just a sexual thing, at least initially.  The moment it became emotional it became a threat to your marriage.  If down the road you find that you still want to have sexual encounters with women, and if your husband is still on board, find yourself a new woman.  Do NOT become friends with her.  Friendship is lesbian foreplay, Crushed, and unless you want a repeat performance of the Dr. Vagina monologues, keep her in your bedroom and out of your life.

Writer’s Stats: Female, Bi.