Butch Blues

Dear Dr. Darcy:

I’m a 29-year old butch writing because I’m hooking up with a really hot girl. The problem is that she’s straight.  She identifies as bi but you know how some bi girls are really just on their way to identifying as lesbian? Well, that’s not this girl. I can totally tell she’s straight whether she knows it or not. So how does a young butch compete with men?  I can’t give her hetero-privilege, I can’t give her a family and I’m probably never going to make the money that a guy makes so I can’t give her the lifestyle she wants.  What’s a butch to do?


Young Butch, you are creating problems where there are none.  This girl identifies as bi, but you’ve decided that she’s straight.  You’re only hooking up with her, but you’re already pondering whether or not you can conceive a child with her? Slow down, Butch. You’re getting way ahead of yourself. Hetero-privilege?  Are you kidding me?

This is all internalized homophobia.  I’m betting you’re brand new out-of-the-closet.  And of course you pick a bi girl whose orientation falls somewhere vague on the spectrum, thereby giving you all the reasons in the world to focus your insecurities on her instead of owning them.

This isn’t about her – it’s about you.  You can’t, and shouldn’t, compete with men.  A butch isn’t trying to be a guy.  A butch is trying to be the hottest butch she can be. It sounds like you’ve got some soul searching to do, Young Butch.  Every time you catch yourself saying, “I can’t give her (fill in the blank),” challenge yourself to think of someone who has.  I’ve given you a little cheat-sheet below to get you started:

I can’t give her a family… Think Rosie.

I’ll never make the money a guy makes… Think Suze.

How do I compete with men?...You Don’t.

Writer’s Stats: Female, lesbian.