Bossy Butch

Dear Dr. Darcy,

I’ve always dated feminine women and now I’m dating a butch. I’m having a difficult time with her because she’s bossy. She wants me to check in with her whenever I’m out, she wants me to text her when I get home and when we’re together she wants me to do all the traditional ‘female’ roles like put together meals and clean up after them. We’ll be sitting in front of the tv and she’ll ask me to get her a drink even though she’s closer to the kitchen. When I confront her about this, she tells me that this is how it is to date a butch. Is she right?


She sounds less like a butch and more like a bitch. And what’s worse is that she’s trying to pass off her neanderthal behaviors as her lesbian role. It’s pretty egregious in my opinion.

I don’t care whether you’re dating Super Femme, Sporty Femme, Soft Butch, Stone Butch, Futch or any other version thereof, your partner needs to treat you with respect. Period.

I bet if a man treated you the way your girlfriend is treating you, there would be no ambiguity about right or wrong. The problem in our community is that we tend to minimize the problem because the perpetrator is a woman. I’m here to tell you that the way you’re being treated is bad for you, bad for her and bad for us as a community. The next time she’s on the couch and grunts to express her request for a beverage, remind her that if you wanted to be with a misogynist, you wouldn't be a lesbian.