Dear Dr. Darcy:
I am extremely confused. I am 32 and have been in relationships with men, to whom I have been attracted, all my life. However, I discovered an intense attraction to women in college. This attraction seemed to grow, and I often have a female friend with benefits on the side. About four years ago, something snapped in me, and I became disgusted by kissing men and engaging with their parts. . However, shortly thereafter, I was "wooed" by a really wonderful man, even though I told him I was a born-again-lesbian. I finally gave in and opened my heart in a way I never had before. We dated on and off for 3 years. The sex wasn't good at first, but eventually I fell so in love I became very attracted as well. Finally, we broke up for good. I began to date a woman, finally, and the sex was mind-blowing and beyond anything I had ever experienced. Unfortunately, the relationship was awful and emotionally abusive. Now the man I was in love with is coming back, and when he tries to kiss me I feel like I am going to gag or vomit, like I can't stomach it, and I feel violated and overwhelmed by the idea of a penis entering me. On the other hand, my female ex (aka dragon woman), I feel completely sexually open to and excited by. The man I love wants to know if I am gay or straight. I want to be with him, I feel attracted initially, but when his penis comes out I feel overwhelmed and grossed out. I am terrified I am betraying my sexuality. I don't know what parts of this are sexual orientation and what parts are object relations/trauma. Do you have any advice?
Step away from the straight man. If you love him, work this shit out before getting involved with him. I think you have more than sexual orientation confusion going on here. I think you’re missing important life lessons that you should be taking away from each of your failed relationships. I don’t hear any awareness of what you did to contribute to the end of the relationships. Calling your ex Dragon Woman completely distracts from the fact that you were attracted to her, making you a willing participant in that relationship. What does that say about you and where you are on your personal development journey? We are attracted to people who are mirror images of our own personal development. I’d say that relationship warrants some self-reflection. You didn’t just pick wrong. You picked right for where you were in your life. So how do you need to change to ensure that you won’t attract or be attracted to someone like that again? That’s the first question you need to ask yourself.
The second question is why you’re resisting what your body is telling you. You could spend your life on some shrink’s couch, paying the mortgage on her Hampton’s home, questioning whether or not object relations theory can explain your repulsion to the penis, or you can get on with your life, date women, and see how it goes. I recommend the latter.
Writer’s stats: Female, Uncertain.
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