BiCurious

Dear Dr. Darcy:

I am 26 and I have been married to a man for 3 years. I have only had heterosexual relationships and I have had two brief drunken sexual encounters with women. I really enjoy sex with men, but I often find myself fantasizing about women. I have recently preferred to be alone and look at Victoria's Secret models (I know this sounds weird), or pornography with only women. In fact, pornography with men in it sort of grosses me out. This is confusing to me because I have no issues with heterosexual sex except that I feel slightly bored which may or may not have anything to do with my sexual orientation. I don't know whether to jeopardize my marriage and use women as "science experiments" just to see if I might actually be a lesbian, or if I just think women are nice to look at?

ANSWER

Nothing weird about looking at Victoria’s Secret Models, my friend. Those women get paid a lot of money to hold our attention. But in all seriousness, I can imagine how disconcerting these feelings must be.

I’ve been where you are, but so have many others who have NOT joined Club-Lesbos. In short, there’s no telling if this is boredom, curiosity or strait up gay. The only way of knowing is by exploring your feelings. Given your marital status, I’d suggest beginning by exploring said feelings in your head and not by physically acting them out.

Find yourself a great therapist who specializes in lesbians and purge those thoughts, feelings and fantasies. Determine the extent to which your current relationship is playing a role in your need for outside stimulation. Sort out where your issues with him end so you can begin to see where you desire for women begins.

I’d give it at least 6 solid months in therapy before making any moves, and then, if you feel you need to experience women, ask for a separation to minimize complications in your marriage. It shouldn’t take long for you to determine how you’re hard wired, and with all that therapy under your belt, you’ll be well equipped to make whatever transitions are necessary, whether heading back to Heteroville or joining us in the land of Lesbos.