Bicurious

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Dr. Darcy:

My boyfriend recently told me that he’s OK with me dating women. I’d really like to do it but I’m half afraid he doesn’t mean it or that he’s saying it’s ok just to see if I’m gay. I’ve never been with a woman before but I’ve always wanted to. Do you suggest I do it?

ANSWER

It’s my belief that we should believe what people tell us. If he says he’s OK with you dating women and you’re interested in it and it doesn’t violate your beliefs around being in a relationship, I see no reason why you shouldn’t.

Unless, that is, you’re afraid of finding out you’re gay, or afraid of falling in love with a woman, or afraid you’re not in love with the boyfriend. Any of these would be legitimate cause for pause.

Before you throw yourself up on Match, let me suggest you work out some rules with the boyfriend: First, is it his expectation that you’ll just sleep with women or does he understand that during the course of “dating,” you could [read: will] be forming emotional attachments? This is an imperative point of clarification. Second, does he have any expectations of participating? Three-way? Watching? How do you feel about his involvement?

People tend to assume that couples in non-traditional relationships are thoughtless in terms of protecting their primary relationship. The reality is that in order to have a successful polyamorous relationship, couples require a level of communication skills and emotional intelligence that is sadly absent in most monogamous relationships. So make sure that your boyfriend and you have the stuff of a super couple – otherwise I’d suggest you stay in your traditional relationship where your worries will be limited to the other thousand reasons for conflict.

Writer’s Stats: Female, Bicurious.