Be Careful What You Wish For

Dear Dr. Darcy:

My whole life I’ve only been with men until last month when one of my girlfriends took me to a girl bar and I met the hottest woman I’ve ever seen.  We hooked up that night, mostly kissing, exchanged phone numbers and I went home to my live-in boyfriend.  The next day I confessed everything and he told me it was ok to hook up with her (It’s not an open relationship. I’m only allowed to hook up with women and he isn’t hooking up with anyone).  Sooo, it’s been about a month and I have zero attraction to him and all I want to do is have sex with her.  I know myself.  This isn’t going to fade.  What should I do?


I think you know what you should do. The question that you’re really asking is how to do it, and the answer is, sensitively and with dignity. That’s not code for drag this out over months. The absolute worst thing you can do to him is to go through the motions and keep him in the dark to spare his feelings.

Sit him down ASAP and tell him the truth, which is usually the best way to go.  Then move the hell out of there.  Do not, I repeat, do not attempt to end the relationship with him and continue to cohabitate with him.  It’s just a matter of time before you bring home a woman and no matter how cool he swears he’ll be, you’ll have a train wreck (or a 3-way) on your hands.

So what are the takeaways here?  Listen up.  One, whenever you open up a relationship to a third person, you open up the possibility that you will forever change the dynamics of your primary relationship. Two (pay attention hetero men), hooking up with women is not a benign extracurricular activity that poses no threat to a heterosexual relationship.   And three, making out with a girl constitutes a cheat, whether you confess it to your boyfriend the next day or not.  Making it sound like some innocent pajama party may effectively distract the boyfriend, but it didn’t distract me.  You got off easy this time.  Try pulling that shit with a woman and you might find yourself running back to men…