Bait & Switch

Dear Dr. Darcy:

My girlfriend and I met in a 3-way and we’ve been together since.  I was, as you put it, the ‘guest star’ and she was in a relationship with the other woman.  Anyway, it’s been over a year now and things are amazing except that she’s so jealous – of EVERYONE in my life. Her possessiveness is driving a wedge between us.  And she used to be so sexually open and now she’s suddenly against 3-ways. I don’t understand this because of the way we met. I feel like she did a bait & switch on me!


I don’t think she intended to do a bait-&-switch on you.  I think it’s the natural evolution of being in a relationship.  When she met you there were no expectations, and so she was free to be the wild person you met in the 3-way.  In fact, there were expectations on your part (which, consciously or otherwise, she knew of) for her to be adventurous in bed.  Over time, she bonded with you, possibly in a way that she hadn’t anticipated, and now for whatever reason, she’s insecure in the relationship.

You’re doing something to perpetuate her insecurity.  Maybe you’re not aware of it, but there’s something you’re doing that’s attracting negative attention from her. And I bet that the more jealous she becomes, the more careful you become.  You don’t want her misinterpreting text messages or emails, so I bet you put a password on your phone.  Or maybe just the opposite:  Maybe her neediness is a big turn off to you and you value your right to be You so deeply that you’ll text right in front of her and then get pissed off at her when she becomes escalated.

Without knowing the details, I can’t tell you exactly what you’re doing to provoke her.  But the bottom line is that if you stay focused exclusively on her behaviors, you’re not going to get anywhere.  You have to take a good look in the mirror to fix this one, 3-Way.

Writer’s Stats: Female, Lesbian.