Dear Dr. Darcy:
My girlfriend used to be kinky - we met in a three way and now she basically wants missionary style sex. She won't talk dirty, won't watch porn, and forget inviting a third person into our bedroom. I’m becoming worried that we have lesbian bed death. What to do?
Your girlfriend met you at a time in her life when she was feeling a little wild in the sheets. Now things have changed and you’re feeling like you got the old bait-and-switch pulled on you. You’re obviously still into her or you would have pulled the plug by now, and it’s almost as though she’s counting on your feelings for her to keep you trapped in a relationship that no longer resembles the one you originally signed up for. Yeah, I’d be pissed too.
Sex is a powerful dynamic in relationships. Like money and love, it is often unconsciously used to wield and adjust power. What was the power dynamic like when there were more than 2 items on the menu? Did you have significantly more power than she did? Were her feelings developing quickly and was she comfortable with the pace of that development?
How did you express your interest in her in the beginning of the relationship and how has that changed? I suggest that you go back to those ways if you’d like to revisit those days. If you’re waiting for her to reconnect with her inner Madonna before you return to your courting ways, I don’t suggest you hold your breath. You’re far more likely to get what you once had by treating her as you once did.
What turns her on? Maybe instead of forcing dirty talk down her throat, you should try asking her that question during sex. Make her tell you what she wants before giving it to her. Focus on her instead of on what you’re no longer getting. Find new ways to be turned on. She’s no longer interested in porn, so play with new things like the element of surprise, extend the amount of time you engage in foreplay (it should be a minimum of 20 minutes, btw), and begin delaying (both of your) gratification. You get the picture?
Stop using the term ‘lesbian bed death’ because if you’re having any sex, you aren’t in the throws of it. Words have power and we manifest what we verbalize. Things can get a lot worse than they currently are, believe me, so stop whining about what you don’t have and start using what you do have to find new ways of feeling satisfied. And put the three-way talk on hold for now. I’m sure you’re skilled enough in the bedroom to figure this out without needing a guest star, right?