Am I Causing The Bullying?

Dr. Darcy:

I have been bullied my whole life. I am an 18 year old female and when I was in grade 6 I went into the bathroom and sat in the stall and locked the door because I was to scared to come out. I have gotten so mad at people for bullying me that I smashed some girl’s head against a brick wall. I am still getting bullied today and I wish there was something I could do. My principal wouldn't do anything and I don't know what to do. I haven't cut myself nor have I thought of suicide but some days I wish I could go back to before I started to get bullied and change whatever happened before that.

ANSWER

This is a great question because it speaks to something that we don’t often address:  The responsibility of the bully victim in the cycle of being bullied.

Studies show that when victims of bullying change schools, they are likely to experience bullying again, though often less pervasive and perhaps less severe than at the previous school.  It’s like breaking up with someone because they didn’t treat you well, only to find yourself in a new relationship in which you’re being treated similarly.  You can break up with a stranger, you can switch schools, but no matter where you go, you can’t get away from yourself.  And that’s the key to solving any problem in life.  If you don’t learn what you’re doing to provoke or attract the life you have, you’ll just continue to change superficial things (new school, new relationship) and get more of the same.

Since I released my video on Jonah Mowry, I’ve heard from several high school friends who said they wish I had hung out with them in high school so that my experience could have been different.  The truth is, bullying is a two-fold problem, and part of my problem was that I didn’t have the social skills necessary to maintain better friendships with nicer kids.

Now let’s bring this back to you, who, by the way, I’m very impressed with.  You wrote, “I wish there was something I could do…”  Well, rest assured, there is.  That’s not to say that you’re 100% responsible for the bullying – the scumbags who bully you are far more responsible than you are.  But I’ve spent my career working with bully victims to identify and change the behavioral patterns that they engage in that may perpetuate, if not provoke, some of their bullying.

So here’s what I’m going to do for you:  I’m going to give you 4 sessions via Skype for free to help you figure out what you can do differently so that the bullying will end.  Just email me & we’ll start next week.

Writer's Stats: Female, Straight