A-sexual thing

Dear Dr. Darcy

I have been in a relationship with my [live-in] girlfriend for almost 2years now and it’s been amazing, but recently she has discovered that for sure she feels that she is Asexual-which I completely understand but I don’t think she knows I do. 3 days ago she tells me that she feels like she leans on me too much for mental support, that knowing I’m there to help her is making her feel like she isn't independent so she also decided that we should take a break so that she can find herself and all which (again) I get. She seems to be thinking that just because she is way uncomfortable with sex & I like sex we won’t work, I have told her many times that it can be worked on & I can find other ways in the pleasure dpt. but apparently when we have a problem its straight to breaking up. She once thought that I should have sex with someone else so that I can have what I want without having to put her in an awkward position but I don’t feel comfortable with that at all.

I feel like she is being a bit stubborn but at the same time I get it, she is asexual & doesn’t want the real intimate things which I said we can work on but apparently she can't work on herself while I try & fix this part of the relationship that seems to always make us fight.

I don’t know if its just me but I feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick in this because none of what’s happening is effecting me in a good way at all-it feels more like a rock being slowly lowered on top of me and I am about to crack.

ANSWER

Your girlfriend is doing you a favor.  The criterion that separates an intimate relationship from all others is the exchange of bodily fluid.  She doesn’t want anyone’s bodily fluid – and you DO. Hence, your girlfriend is doing you a favor.

Whether she’s truly a-sexual or not (I’m hoping she’s been to a doctor to rule out any medical issues which might be contributing to her sexual apathy), the fact that you would accept a relationship that so clearly does not meet your needs tells me that you’ve got some serious baggage.

What exactly were you going to work on?  Were you going to try some new moves in the bedroom to suddenly tap into her dormant sex drive?  That’s what she’s afraid of which is why she doesn’t want to ‘work on it.’  Or were you going to buy out all the vibrators in Babeland?   Come one, aren’t you worth more than that?

Let the girlfriend find a partner who is a-sexual so that she no longer feels the pressure to perform. And you need to find a partner who wants to have SEX with you.  You’re right about one thing:  There is a rock that’s being lowered on you.  What you don’t know is that it’s attached to a bulldozer that you’re operating.  Let go of your fear of losing her and the rock will go away as well.

Writer's Stats: Female, Bi.