A Butch Who Won't Go Down?

Dear Dr. Darcy:

I am a feminine bi sexual woman who recently had a lesbian relationship with my butch bisexual girlfriend. We broke up over sex and STDs.

We've known each other for half a year and just became seriously committed. She didn't want to perform oral sex because she is afraid of STDs.  So, I brought her my proof of my last test but she felt it wasn't recent enough for her. I got a fresh test done but that still didn't matter.

Now her new excuse is she just wants to wait a long time before she does oral. And is not sure if she wants to do it at all ever. Meanwhile I hadn't seen her STD test but she said she is clean.

She has had lots of sex before with both men and woman yet never asked them for proof if they were STD free. I don't understand her. I told her our relationship will not work if we are sex free. I even advised her to use a dental dam when she does it. Nothing works!

I feel like she is always pushing me away sexually and emotionally.

I am in love with her [but] because we could not compromise I ended our relationship but I believe the issue is deeper than sex. Did I do the right thing? If not, how can I fix it?


Your ex girlfriend should be ashamed of herself. What self-respecting butch won’t go down on her girlfriend? She’s only escaping my wrath because she identifies as bi, which, by the way, I’ve never heard of a bi butch either. That’s not entirely true, but the ones I’ve known have only identified as bi for a brief moment before identifying as lesbian.

This girl has some issues with her sexual orientation. You were right to let her go. I consulted some sources – lesbians of a certain age – who know more lesbians than I’ll ever know, and they confirmed that your ex’s behavior is abhorrent.  One of them said, “Tell the femme that there are plenty of butches who would  love to go down on her.”

So there you have it. Let your ex work out her issues on someone else - preferably a shrink. Find yourself a real butch who doesn’t require daily STD tests in order to have a fulfilling sex life.

Writer’s Stats: Female, Bisexual