Lose The Guy - Find Yourself

Dear Dr. Darcy:

I feel really stupid, but I am so lost...I am in so much pain...I can’t eat, can’t sleep and I can’t stop thinking about my boyfriend...We have dated on and off for 4 years and from the day I met my boyfriend [he] has said that both his kids share the same mom who died,...He has told stories to back this up etc....then while playing with his son it came out that HIS mom was still alive, and [my boyfriend] lied to me the entire time....I didn’t want to start drama in front of the kids and I love him, I talked to the son and he said that his dad loves me, and that he and his mom are broken up, so I just continued to have a good time… That is the last time I have seen or heard from my boyfriend, should I be mad? Should I call him???? I don't know what to do and I love him so much....I can’t be without him.....I cry all day.....but I don’t understand if I should even call since he wont even try.  I’m lost.....PLEASE HELP ME.

ANSWER

Hang in there, girlfriend.  We’ll figure this out.

You’re feeling crippled by two things:  First, he lied to you. And it wasn’t just a random lie or a cover-your-ass lie.  He lied about someone being dead, which, admittedly, is creepy.  Second, you’re having a very severe reaction to being separated from him.  That’s the, I can’t eat; I can’t sleep, part.  There’s good news in the second part.  Your reaction is so significant that it can’t possibly be about this guy.  Make no mistake, he’s the trigger, but he’s more like a little scab that you picked and when it finally came off you began hemorrhaging.  He is not responsible for the hemorrhaging, and that’s good news, Straight Girl.

There’s a saying that goes like this:  If it’s hysterical, it’s historical.  What this means is that when you find yourself feeling hysterical about something, your reaction has little to do with what’s going on in the moment and is actually related to your history.  So why is this good news?

It’s good news because you own the baggage, therefore you (and you alone) have the power to fix how you’re feeling.  And if you decide that the pain of the separation is too much for you; if you make the mistake of taking another drink of Kool-Aid because you don’t want to go through the withdrawals, you’ll be missing out on an opportunity for growth like no other.  So grab your ovaries and follow my free advice.

The boyfriend has exhibited some concerning behaviors, and the fact that he hasn’t reached out to you since he got caught with his pants around his ankles makes his behaviors even more concerning.  Not concerning in the He’s a weird one sort of way.  Concerning in the Hmmm.  He sounds like a sociopath sort of way.

Forget the boyfriend, Straight Girl.  He’s a loser who just might be the next Scott Peterson.  Get your ass into therapy ASAP so you can begin feeling better (email me for names), and remember:  Only you can fix this, and fixing this does not involve the cooperation  of or any involvement from the guy.